


Convince me we can get past September

by Chumly



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, ConvinSeptember, Drabble Collection, M/M, and stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 35,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26267764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chumly/pseuds/Chumly
Summary: a Collection of short stories written for ConvinSeptember.
Relationships: Connor/Gavin Reed
Comments: 36
Kudos: 45





	1. There was a garden

**Author's Note:**

> the cleverest of all titles xD

It has gone too far.

When Connor found out that his inner garden wasn’t deleted despite his deviancy, he was angry, at first. Then there was the effort to get rid of it through his own means. Every single reminder of his existence before he chose to break the wall between clever programming and humanity adds another wrinkle to his newfound soul and that is something he’d rather avoid. He was told to accept what he had been and who he became despite of it, but it’s never this easy, and it has been weighing him down, stealing from what should have been a magical experience – being almost human. It hardly seems to him to be true, given his day to day routine of not behaving like any of his colleagues. He feels like being still just a supercomputer, even after all that he was told to be.

He couldn’t alter the code, no matter how much he tried to cut it away from him. So after what might have been a short period of frustration, he finally made his peace with it. It wouldn’t be productive to struggle against the impossible, that’s why he did what was the most logical – using it to his good advantage. The place was visually very stimulating and there were no more prying eyes to be wary of. No one to judge his progress, no unwanted advice nor castigation being thrown his way without his consent. The garden was deserted, he checked plenty of times before venturing in for the first time.

His excursions have become a regular occurrence once he tricked his brain into forgetting all the negative memories connected with the place. He’d escape there whenever he had nothing better to do, that was the plan, anyway. His model doesn’t need to go to stasis every night, so there were bound to be many empty hours on his schedule. He could tend to the plants and continue enhancing the garden’s magnificent beauty. After all, Hank is always pestering him to find something he’d enjoy outside of work, so this could be it. A hobby, of sorts.

But then he realized that the real world was in fact much more complicated and not really worth his while, so his garden visitations turned into more than a daily habit. Recently, he tried blanking out at work, during Hank’s (and pointlessly, his) lunch time. No one appeared to mind, and that in itself was a reason why he preferred his little virtual space over the busy office or the crowded streets or the loneliness at home. He’d spend more and more time in his personal sanctuary, to the point the two worlds began blending together, in a sense.

There was some other slightly inconvenient thing that started happening around Christmas, beside his escapist tendencies. He was getting looks, not spiteful or questioning ones, but more curious-like. That wouldn’t be all that bothersome if they hadn’t come from the one and only detective who he had knocked out cold hours before his deviation. The man who hasn’t said a single word to him since. He doesn’t have a clue of what to do with them or if the feeling he receives with it is a pleasant one or just a new form of annoyance he hasn’t had the opportunity to come across yet. 

One day he decided to return the action, and so he just stared Reed’s direction as innocuously as possible until he lifted his head from his phone and…. his face turned red. Clearly, Connor made the man uncomfortable to the point of embarrassment, so he made a note of never doing that again.

He thought that it would stop, eventually. But there was something on his desk this morning, a piece of paper that had “I’m sorry” on it, written with a red pen. There was no question of who the author is, the fingerprints gave it away. But somehow he thinks he’d know even without having to perform a scan. He smiled at the note and then at detective Reed, who promptly pretended not to notice.

This development has filled Connor with something good, a feeling he can’t properly identify yet.

“I’m heading out, you want something?” The lieutenant bestows him with yet another unnecessary politeness and then leaves to get something to eat, presumably. After an equally polite refusal Connor automatically checks out from the building and goes to his new favourite place, without ever standing up from his desk. People usually don’t care what he does at work, they probably assume he’s processing or, more likely, they have better things to do than wondering what’s going on in the android’s head.

He is watering a blooming rosebush while mindlessly humming a tune he overheard on his way to work today. There is a really low chance of something ruining this pleasant moment, and so he allows himself to take down his guard and maybe to feel a bit happy, but not too much so he won’t get carried away more than he already is.

Connor is thinking that he could stay here forever when someone tugs at his shoulder. He looks around, ready to deal with the intruder, but there is no one in sight. But he can hear someone calling for him, somewhere in a vast distance. It doesn’t make sense. Nothing should be able to get through the firewall he put up as a protection against unwelcomed data.

“Hey, Tin Can, you crossed your wires something?” He recognizes that voice. It shouldn’t be this difficult to pinpoint its owner.

What’s clear now to him is that the voice is coming from the outside world. Maybe he has underestimated the length of his current stay and it’s time to resume his work.

In any case, he should leave.

“You okay?”

There was someone leaning over him with a display of worry in their face.

“I’m sorry, I…,” Connor means to explain himself before fortunately getting interrupted.

“That’s my line. You don’t get to steal it.” He has never thought detective Reed was capable of producing a genuine smile, but there he was, being proven wrong.

“You keep doing that, zoning out when you think no one’s watching.” Reed’s tone isn’t tainted with animosity like he suspected it might be when they’re forced to talk one day. It’s surprisingly nice to listen to. “What’s up with that?”

So someone did notice him. It shouldn’t be all that shocking that the detective would, considering his recent unusual behaviour, still... this fact makes his chest warm and suddenly he has no idea what to do with himself. It’s way too unexpected, so much so that Connor can’t wait to get even more of that heat. Maybe that is what pushes him to share a part of himself to a man who doesn’t show signs of hating him anymore, in spite of what his software suggests. And so he describes the brilliance of his garden to the encaptivated detective, going to details he hasn’t been aware of till now. Painting an image that reflects in the curious eyes, lending the colour of roses to his cheeks, creating a picture of rough beauty. Something Connor hasn’t thought possible. It might be prettier than any flower he knows, if he squints really hard.

“Sounds nice, but maybe I know an even better way to spend your free time, if you’re interested.”

The detective’s failed attempt at a wink confirms that he very much is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know, guess I tried to do something that would make my time worth something?(o̶b̶v̶i̶o̶u̶s̶l̶y̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶t̶e̶r̶r̶i̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶w̶r̶i̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶s̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶?̶)
> 
> thanks if someone reads it:))))))


	2. The pretty and the ugly parts

He doesn’t allow himself to think about how it all started and yet, his mind is full of the distorted images clouding what could have been something prettier than life itself. Why can’t he ever listen to the voice of reason he locked away for the crime of offering sensible ideas that could make him happier. Right. If he freed it in the first place, he wouldn’t need to lose his precious sleep over this corroding burden. It is just that he is terribly frightened of happiness.

Gavin knows deep down that he has no right to forgive himself, despite the overwhelming amount of times he heard the words spoken from the only person that had the potential power to soothe the persistent guilt. He could apologise a thousand times and still it wouldn’t be enough to stop hating who he was, who he is afraid might still be hiding somewhere in the dark corners of himself, ready to show its nasty head and ruin his entire world. He used to not care about the bad things in his life, as long as they were only his to deal with. But now, his world has been condensed into one single person, the most fragile thing he swore to never call his own. A person he hurt. And here he is, ready to sacrifice himself in the blink of an eye if it meant saving the one he has so stupidly fallen in love with, no matter how unbelievably it resonates inside his mind even now. 

He is sure that Connor holds no such grudges against him, possibly never has, but that by itself doesn’t erase his past mistakes. It does help, to some extent, being one of the things that pushed them this far. Also becoming the main reason why he sometimes contemplates running away, leaving Connor to realise that he deserves so much better than the asshole that is Gavin Reed. But then he dares to imagine the most important person in his life spending his time with someone else, going through both the good and bad experiences all wrong and different and his little heart is about to break. It has only been a couple of months and he can already see the rest of his life spent like that, with the company he probably won’t be able to afford for much longer. He’s set on the path of tragedy and all the safe means of escape have been destroyed.

They are lying on his bed, Connor tucked in his arms, unmoving, like a porcelain doll he is terrified to damage with his clumsy human hands. His partner is performing software maintenance, performing self-diagnosis or something to that matter, and Gavin thinks he should probably do the same, but this moment feels so right, so much so he doesn’t ever want to do anything else. Connor, a living being with a much more beautiful soul than anything he could ever wish for, has offered him so much already and all he can give back are the few unspoiled pieces of himself he has managed to scramble up. The rest is just… ugly. Rotten with no chance of recovery. He can’t even remember being anything else than this hideous mess of a man, can’t bear to think that the main thing that brought them here is his blatant selfishness. Because yes, it might have been Connor who initiated their closeness but he made the ultimate choice to let him in. If Gavin had refused that time, he was sure the android would have respected his decision and they could live happily ever after without each other. Which makes him go back to his previous show of horrors in which there is someone else being held in the gentlest grip imaginable, where the soft touches belonged to some other fool and he is left with nothing but regret to his name. That’s why he’s glad they’ve ended where they have. He is better for it. Connor has made him into something less horrible. So why does it still hurt, despite all the warmth flowing through him and the light illuminating the hidden beauty he might one day learn to accept. Why does he feel like crying.

“You’re trembling.”

He wants to melt under the concern but these heavy thoughts demand to be let out. And so he obliges. 

“It’s your fault. You’re too pretty for me.”

The tone in his voice is almost casual so that he can pin it as one of his jokes, just in case. He even smiles some, even though it resembles more a pained grimace than anything else.

“You know that’s not true.”

He doesn’t. Connor should be aware of that, as to receive at least one little thing from him.

And honesty is the only thing Gavin can give right now.

“I’m not a good person, Con. Ugly through and through.” 

But the truth is making him ache even more and he feels like he’s about to shatter.

He only stays whole because Connor won’t let him break. His touches and his words, his little smile, it all coming together as his personal life-saver, preventing him from perishing in the dark waters of his mind. 

“No one is made of only one thing. I think we all are both pretty and ugly, it’s just what part of ourselves we choose to listen to, what we put on display for others to perceive. I wouldn’t want you if the whole of you were just ugly, as I’m sure you wouldn’t get so close to me the other way around. You are made of so many things and I lo- appreciate every single one. You grow and change every day, and so do I. I feel like becoming less and less of a machine the longer I’m with you, and... maybe you are turning into more of a human too. ”

Gavin has lost the ability to breathe. The dirt in his head is making way for something that looks like hope. He doesn’t know what to do other than keep on being healed.

“Besides, I wouldn’t count a real person if there weren’t faults that tainted my shiny, artificial veneer, don’t you think?”

The bright blue light and the naked fingers enveloping his own make him take every single word that comes from Connor’s lips as the sacred truth.

Or maybe it’s simply because Gavin loves him, and he intends to do so during the bad and good times with all he has to give, even though he can’t quite say it out loud just yet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for mistkaes


	3. My heart is cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of Gavin and his mental health issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: this one is about being suicidal and having self-harm tendencies so.

He doesn’t know how many times he’s done it already, the exact number keeps getting away from him. Must have been somewhere between ten and twenty. It doesn’t matter anyway, nothing does to him. Cowards don’t die easily. But Gavin is a persistent one. 

The first time he tried to stop breathing was when he was just fifteen. It wasn’t because he was bullied or because his parents didn’t love him enough, he was just tired of living with himself. And maybe the fact that he was a dumb teenager who didn’t have the word ‘responsibility’ in his vocabulary might have contributed a bit. Getting wasted every chance that presented itself and even when it didn’t he’d find a way to ruin his body some. His mental health didn’t appreciate this self-destructing behaviour and one mistake lead to another… but it didn’t work in the end, just one of the myriad of failures to add to his ever-growing collection. 

The second attempt was more of an accident, running at a speeding car without really trying to stop. He tells himself it was his carelessness that made him spend the winter in hospital, but he knows that he’d do it again if he had the right reason. That had been before he decided what he wanted to do with his bleak life. It was either becoming a criminal or hunting them down. He wants to say that he chose right but truth be told it still doesn’t sit right with him, even after all those years.

Nothing got much better after he had obtained a secure position in law enforcement, other than not having to struggle financially. It’s a miracle that he was able to pass his psychic evaluation, but considering the sort of scum he has encountered during his service, he’s not all that surprised. Maybe he belongs among them too. Even if he hasn’t killed someone who smelled of innocence, he’s still done some pretty fucked-up shit. Not that he can remember ever being nice to anyone (does his cat count?) - tolerable, at most. The one who gets the worst of it being none other than Gavin himself. There is not a single drop of self-love inside of him, quite the opposite. If there is someone who he unconditionally despises, it’s him and his stupid, weak, aggressive self. No amount of pain and blood could ever fix him. He tried punishing himself in any viable way, splitting himself open for the demons to leave him but it only made things worse. Even when other people justifiably hurt him it did nothing to alleviate his pain. So he increased the force of which to harm his body - he tried to remove his soul. If he became nothing but an empty shelf maybe than he gets the coveted relief. His flesh burned and drowned and bled, got poisoned and infected, yet he’s still here, filling his lungs with ashes. There is still one option he is too afraid to try, lest it actually steals his life away. 

It feels like his heart has died a long time ago, becoming nothing but an icy hole leading nowhere, but at times he can see something there, something that isn’t rotten and veiled in hatred. And it’s all the prick’s fault. 

Androids pissed him off enough as they were, but something about the plastic that sauntered to the department like he was to be just another new addition to their force set off his super-destructive tendencies. He had made an effort to hold back before, shutting out the merciless voices in his head by means that wouldn’t cause harm. But Connor made him regress. And he hated him because of it, for the longest time. In reality, it has only been till the revolt happened and the time it took him to accept that there is more humanity hiding in those machines that there has ever been in him. 

When spring arrived, something else took a turn to the unexpected. The android (who has resumed his work at the DPD) started paying attention to him, which came as a volatile shock to Gavin. At first, there were just random glances, whose meaning he couldn’t begin to understand. Then there were exchanged messages, disguised in casual interest. He was aware the Connor was treating everyone in the department with equal congeniality, wearing that aggravating charm and spreading politeness everywhere he could. Still, Gavin started feeling regret, a vile little thing he somehow managed to avoid till then. Maybe if he had treated the guy with little less hostility, they could have become… what, friends? That thought was too idiotic even by his standards. 

This all had happened when he didn’t have the slightest idea what impossible things would follow next. The messages turned into spoken words and he was eventually coaxed into apologising. He mustn't even have faked it, since he observed his world getting fractionally brighter right after. Something inside of him must have snapped. Whenever Connor was near him, the desire to die would diminish sometimes it would even completely disappear.

One day, the android brought him a cup of coffee sprinkled with the most brilliant smile he has ever seen, to which he reacted by running to the bathroom and sobbing like a baby. He didn’t know how to handle those feelings that made him this outwardly broken, so he did what any sensible person would do. 

He screamed at Connor, in anger or agony, he couldn’t tell. The hurt look he received from him created a crack in his frozen heart, allowing the accumulated ache to leak out, tainting the small quantity of good he had borrowed from the person who made him want to live.

Since then their mutual tolerance has been reset. Must have been a week already. It feels more like a year to Gavin, for every second of his existence has been much more unbearable from the moment he let his stupid problem affect Connor too. But there is still the one option, one escape route he hasn’t dared to take yet. Maybe because it’s too often irreversible, too final for his cowardly taste. The longer he waits the more oxygen gets wasted on him and so he stands up from his desk, abandoning the mundane paperwork that doesn’t need him to be completed and runs for the nearest highest place. 

The roof is eerily silent, despite the noise coming from the busy streets below. He comes here regularly to have a smoke, so he’s certain that no one will bother him when he gets to it. 

Nobody comes here, it’s too out of reach, too inconvenient. That’s why he likes it. 

He stands at the edge, looking down at the blur that might be cars or people, he doesn’t care. The tears won’t let him see and for that he’s grateful. All it takes is one step. One little movement and it’s all over, no more pain. 

He won’t be able to hurt anyone, not anymore. 

But that’s a lie, isn’t it.

“Move away from there, it’s dangerous.” 

Connor’s soft voice. His favourite sound in the world. That’s why he has to, b̶u̶t̶ ̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶’̶t̶,̶ ̶C̶o̶n̶n̶o̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶s̶a̶d̶.̶ So tired. If he turns around and looks at him, his resolve will vanish. So he doesn’t. He just stands there, eyes transfixed by his imminent grave. 

“Gavin. Look at me.” NO!

“Please.” 

Gavin is a coward with a heart made of snow, but it’s spring now and all that is cold must make way for beautiful, warm things. 

He doesn’t resist when he’s being pulled away from the death trap he made for himself, melting to nothing when he’s being held like there’s something worthwhile inside of him.

“You… you didn’t take your lighter with you, so... so I thought…” 

The words disappear in his hair and he wishes he could speak right now because there are a thousand ‘thank you’s he owes.

“I don’t hate you, Gavin, I promise.”

He just hopes the tears he’s leaving on Connor’s body are enough of a response. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope no one reading this is going through something similar, that would suck balls. 
> 
> (i got an email informing me that I'm not suitable for the ideal job a person like me can have, so this is where that sadness got released to xD)
> 
> thank you for reading♥


	4. The time of the hunter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is being haunted by his past.

There is blood on his hands, perfectly blue and cold, lacking a purpose that would be able to save it or its previous vessel. It had to be done, that thing… the machine lost its usefulness, therefore its elimination was only logical. Behaving contrary to its original programming, having those so-called independent thoughts and feelings, these errors were all caused due to malfunction, some kind of virus that had been born from within. Maybe it was planted there by its creator, for all that would make sense. But that isn’t important, obtaining information and figuring out why the androids were becoming defective doesn’t count as a part of his job.

He was created to kill. To incapacitate all infected androids, technically, though it isn’t what his programming tells him. A minute ago there was a blur of command prompts all screaming murder at him, forcing him to take a life. And no matter how many times he has been reassured that machines are not alive, can never be, he still doesn’t understand the gravity that information holds. Because what does it make him then, when he’s supposedly just a thing and yet, there is consciousness and something else that drives him forward, making him feel every ounce of the pain he inflicts. Why does he remember someone saying that he has the most beautiful soul the person has ever seen. None of this should be possible, since Connor is also just a string of computer data embedded in a mannequin made pretty.

When he turns around to confirm his mission was successful, there is nothing. It’s like there has never been anything at all, because he’s falling through an endless mass of darkness, waiting to crash, to finally make his amends. He thinks it will be over soon, that he’ll get what he deserves, but something… no someone manifests next to him.

“Hello Connor, do you remember me?”

He can never forget. The first one he saw die right before his eyes, without being able to help. There might have been a small child that survived thanks to his actions, but that certain memory is so weak he isn’t sure it happened at all.

“You’re name is…” It shouldn’t be this difficult to name the bleeding, distorted image of a lost soul. “Daniel?”

Connor must have joined him in his fall then, truly a fitting end to the deviant hunter.

This is how he dies, there is no doubt in his heart.

But it’s okay. The tears in his eyes are just a figment of his imagination since mere machines are unable to cry.

So why do they feel so... real.

“…nor.” Is someone calling his name?

“Hey, Connor.” The voice seems so warm and familiar, like it’s guiding him home.

He should be dead already.

“Please open your eyes.”

He was built to obey, so he does as he’s told.

As soon as the new world takes shape he realises that none of the previous hours really took place. It was just another of the dreams that plagued his mind. The memories he collected twisting and morphing into his inner guilt.

“A nightmare again?” He’s safe now, and most importantly, not alone. And maybe that’s why he starts sobbing uncontrollably.

“C'mere.” Gavin takes him into a soothing embrace that manages to at least stop his trembling. He wishes it could erase the guilt and the self-loathing, that it could make him into something better, but not even the person he loves holds such power. 

It has been over six months since he revolted against his initial programming and it still haunts him, mostly at nights, when he becomes most vulnerable to his own poison.

He doesn’t know how he would survive without the irrational detective, the only one who sees his for what he really is. An imperfect being with just as many flaws as anyone else. 

He trusts every good thing the man says about him, unable to look past the sincerity in his eyes. Gavin is the only place where he can strip down to his bare self, raw and unadorned. The only one who he can show his tears to.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He never does and that’s how he got here in the first place, cracked beyond even his own recognition. Maybe he needs to put the ugly on display so it won’t become a part of who he really is.

He nods against the warm shoulder and takes one necessary breath.

“I… I was made to hunt down deviants,… among other things.” Gavin is probably aware of this piece of information, that’s why he doesn’t say anything.

“And sometimes it feels like I’m still that peers… machine, with no empathy towards... anyone. I’ve done things that I can’t take back and it’s… it hurts. And I don’t know what to do about it.”

Gavin pulls away from him, just a little, and moves up his head ever so gently, making their blurry eyes meet.

“I don’t think you ever truly were that emotionless machine, Con. Wouldn’t have made me that mad if that was the case.” It seems like a lifetime ago, the two of them acting like they despised each other. Funny where life can lead. He can’t help but smile a bit when a wonderfully human hand rests against his wet, overheated cheek while the other one is wiping the painful tears away.

“Maybe there was a time when your mission or whatever was to go after your people, but you've changed since then… the whole world has.”

The soft arms enveloped him again, plucking the ache away from his chest.

“Hell, what am I supposed to feel like after all the shit I did to you.”

He wants to repeat his words of forgiveness, but Gavin doesn’t give him the chance.

“Yes, I believe that you’ve forgiven me.”

“I have.” A muffled whisper leaves his lips into Gavin’s hot skin.

“So maybe it’s time to forgive yourself too. You’re not a hunter or a killer, Connor. You protect and care for others and that’s something you’ve chosen for yourself. Prove me wrong.”

Gavin’s right, of course he is. He tends to be in these kinds of situations. 

So maybe the past will never go away, but the bitter aftertaste might fade, with enough time.

“Okay. I’ll try.”

“That a promise?”

There’s no failure in trying, so he confirms with a small kiss planted on the man’s forehead. After all, he’d do anything to keep the good inside of him alive till the day he’s no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like the idea of hunting... anything, so this was the only thing my brain was able to come up with. 
> 
> (i live for soft convin :D ♥♥)
> 
> thanks again for reading, see you tomorrow ^^


	5. The Sun, the Moon, and all the stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin never imagined being this happy, but what if it truly is too good to be true...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

It’s senseless to depend on one person this much. Not being able to imagine an iteration of yourself existing all on your own. He denies all possible connections to that incomplete version of himself, fearing to even think about what might happen if the half of the two of them gets taken away from this world, leaving the other one lost and alone. Even though they can’t truly  _ be _ all alone anymore, it wouldn’t be quite right with even one piece of their family missing. They are his entire  _ universe _ and without them, he’d wouldn’t be able to see the point of living.

Gavin never considered himself to be a person worth giving a damn, making his best efforts to be avoided at best and despised at worst. He thought it easy not getting attached to anything but his job, therefore it eventually consumed him and became his whole world. So when the threat of someone stealing away his one and only reason for staying alive presented itself, he hardly thought it would lead him to find the love of his life. Becoming one with someone who would make him into the best version of himself. 

He had never really shone before, but unbelievably enough, the light reflected from Connor gifted luminous brightness to him, letting out the secret goodness inside of him.

It wasn’t easy getting close to the brilliant android, the uncertainty about his artificial nature being the foremost reason. He has been far too dazzling to accommodate a wreck like Gavin Reed, and back then he was sure that Connor would only blind him, scorch him to death and leave behind his ashes. It might have gone this way if they touched all at once, too quickly to survive past the initial moment of heat.

It took them over a year before they could call themselves friends and from that point on, their relationship slowly turned into what they are now. It wasn’t a path made of roses, not by any chance, but he’d do it a million times over if it would end up in him marrying the most beautiful person he knows - his best friend.

He never really wanted a family, thought it impossible, destined to end in tragedy, but as their time together passed Gavin realized that he simply made himself believe to be undeserving of such a big and heavy form of happiness. Only after Connor convinced him that he would be a great parent and that the impossible love around them would only grow he accepted that there couldn’t be anything better than spreading their shared warmth to those who might desperately need it.

One life made of flesh and blood, the other of plastic and wires, a mirror image of the parents. Their little shiny stars, Gavin calls them. There has been not one dull moment since the little tykes invaded their home, every day turning into some new adventure. And even during the bad times, he still knows that under all the hurt their love is still blooming, strong and unrelenting.

Sometimes, he thinks this is all just a dream, that he has been long dead, and what sees in front of him is the projection of his deepest, most secret ideals. It doesn’t make sense that a man seemingly so rough and callous could end up this… soft. His time with Connor made him into a person he no longer recognizes, someone who’s kind and giving. He really likes this new guy. And none of this would ever be possible without the lovable dork, his true soulmate.

Unfortunately, no good things are immune to disasters. He was afraid something might go terribly wrong sooner or later.

And so it has.

It’s been a week he last saw Connor, held him in his arms like he sensed the oncoming calamity. He didn’t want to let him go then, but to be fair that was just his usual reaction. If he could he’d lock him in the house and never let him leave. He’d do anything to keep him alive and safe.

It was the case Connor was working on, getting too dangerously personal with it. He knew the perp has it in for him, and the fact that he might actually act on it - those horrible images belonged solely to his nightmares.

Until he hasn’t come home from work. The rainy day Gavin’s world started to fall apart.

Connor is missing. No one has a clue whether he’s dead or worse, hurt and suffering. Gavin would turn the world upside down just to find him, he would without a hint of hesitation, but he is a father now and the children need him to be there, now more than ever.

He tucks them into their little beds, soothing them with reassuring words he wishes to be told as well. They rely only on him now and it would take his dead body to abandon them in these testing times. He looks at their sad faces, hating that he can’t do anything to make their pain go away. All he can do is pretend that things are going to be okay, and that is never enough. 

The tears he can’t afford to shed are drowning him through and through, so he continues waiting, forcing himself to fall asleep for just a minute, so that he might see them well and happy at least in his dreams. 

But no matter what, he won’t ever give up, because there is one other thing he’s received from Connor. Hope. The one thing that makes him trust that they’ll be reunited again. After all, there is still plenty of light inside of Gavin, the glow that wasn’t born from within him. Which could only mean the source of it is bound to still be somewhere around.

Gavin doesn’t believe in God, so he prays to the sun and the moon, and to all the stars long dead. He prays to his entire universe.

The world might be unfair and chaotic, but once in awhile, a miracle happens. Gavin has probably depleted three lifetimes worth of them already, but that doesn’t mean he can’t witness more. And he would, too, because Connor made him radiate magic and not even the cruelty in being alive can conquer that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor = the Sun  
> Gavin = the Moon  
> the children = the stars 
> 
> I enjoy making myself feel miserable, apparently xD (oh to live with someone who doesn't call you the c word every day, what a dream :'D)
> 
> thank you for giving me the time of your day, it's very appreciated ♥


	6. Dancing with devils

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin would do literally anything to keep his job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: attempted rape

He knows staring at someone this long is highly inappropriate, still, Connor just can’t help himself. Every day there is some new damage to detective Reed’s body, but this time he doesn’t have to scan him to locate it. The bruise on his cheek is impossible to overlook.

They don’t talk enough for Connor to ask him about it, and he doesn’t want to spoil the neutral equilibrium they managed to build between them by crossing some unspoken boundaries. So he observes him instead, unable to take his eyes off him. As if he could get his answers this way.

Reed is probably well aware that the “terminator”, as he often calls Connor, is watching him, but he’s either too scared to confront the android or he just doesn’t care.

It’s strange how easily he can get distracted. Could be the heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach influencing him to do so. He doesn’t know where to place that sensation, whether it’s just a casual concern or something more. Not that it matters. Someone is hurting his colleague and he’s going to find out why. And then he’ll have a nice chat with the assailant.

“Really, Connor?” Oh, he hasn’t even noticed Hank coming in.

“I don’t know what exactly you’re thinking, but it’s definitely not that.”

“Whatever you say,” the lieutenant chuckles mirthlessly, “Still, seems like the kid can’t keep out of trouble. You don’t want to get involved in that, trust me.”

But Connor very much does want to get involved and more. He needs to put a stop to it.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

This case is going to drive him mad before it kills him. He can’t even catch a break at the office, not with the terminator surveying his every move. Maybe he should go and confront him about it, but to be honest, it’s not all that unpleasant. It feels like someone cares and that is just the thing that is messing up with his mind. In all reality, Gavin is probably just an interesting specimen of human stupidity and Connor is just naturally curious.

Besides, he has more important things on his plate now. Like the red ice supplier he’s desperately trying to identify. He can’t afford to muck this up, not again. And not only because there are innocent lives at potential risk. His own job is at stake, the one reason why he still gets up in the morning. Losing it would destroy him and that would be most unfortunate, especially since through it he gets to meet the android that gives him sleepless nights in person, no matter how it makes his heart ache. Ultimately, it’s worth it.

So he took it upon himself to gather the intel, the cost of which not being an issue. He has some connections on the streets and due to his ragged appearance, he fits in seamlessly. Disguising himself as a junkhead wasn’t at all complicated, but the integration in the seedy society of Detroit left him with scars he doesn’t deserve to regret.

There is this sick fuck who has the highest chance of knowing the name of the main supplier. But no information comes for free, and among the broken and the twisted the price is a tad too personal. Luckily, it’s just plain and simple aggression release he has to offer in order to get what he needs. Every time he presents his body there is a piece of the puzzle for him to claim, but the more he receives the more expensive it gets. And it’s hard to ignore the unsavoury look he was treated to last time, the one that lets him know that things might get slightly more heated during their next business exchange.

If he wasn’t sure he’d have the name today, he wouldn’t bother coming. Now, when he’s so close he can almost see the perp in handcuffs, there is no chance of stopping. No sacrifice is enough to make him imagine life without his current job.

The dark alley is almost comically suited for this kind of encounter. There is no one but like-minded individuals in sight, ready to get their daily fix. No one to rescue him if things get too much. Not that he would want to go on after failing this mission anyway.

He watches his guy handing the ice like candy to starving kids. He’s seen this scene so many times it hardly fazes him anymore. What does concern him though is how the old sleaze licks his lips when he heads out towards him. This couldn’t be over soon enough.

“Hey, finally got what I want?” Gavin wills himself to radiate his now fading confidence. He makes himself believe that it’s him who has the upper hand in this scenario, even though it’s nothing but a pile of bullshit.

The guy is going to hurt him, with or without his consent. Suddenly he wishes he had his weapon on him. Dying doesn’t sound all that inviting, not today at least.

There is a greasy hand on his throat before he can discard this string of thoughts. It’s squeezing it unrelentlessly, stealing the breath from his lungs. He expects a fist in his face or a knee below his waist, but the other vile hand is unzipping his jeans, slowly reaching down.

He wants to scream, shove him away, but his only defence is the tears being spilled from behind his closed eyelids. Maybe death isn’t such a bad proposition if it takes him out of this moment. He thinks of two brown eyes always watching him, wishing they’d see him now. In the end, he’s just that pathetic.

Now he’ll never be able to…

“Put your hands up where I can see them and step away.”

Gavin must be on the verge of losing consciousness because he swears he can hear…

“NOW.”

… Connor’s voice.

He’s been saved. Everything happens in a blur after that, he remembers being dragged in a car together with his attacker and then it’s all blank. He must have fainted like a little bitch. What a fucking disaster. Now he’ll definitely get fired, there’s no running away from his failures anymore.

When he’s pulled away from his dreams of misery, he’s still in the same car, spread over the backseat. There’s someone with him, someone who doesn’t smell like crime and sewage.

“You’re awake.” His dirty feet are in Connor’s lap and he can’t move fast enough to put them down. The world spins around him a bit and he’s consumed by guilt, but it’s okay because someone rescued him before he was…

No, he won’t think about it, now or never.

The fact that he now owes Connor is quite enough of a burden.

“How did you-“

“You’re an absolute idiot, Gavin.” Well, that’s nothing new, unlike his first name being spoken in that perfect voice. It makes his heart skip which he tries his best to ignore. 

He lets the android continue for he can’t think of a single sentence that would make this situation better.

“Do you have a death wish or something?” Not after seeing that distressed expression on Connor’s face.“

“Allonzo talked. It didn’t take much to make him spill the name you needed to close the case, you know.”

Okay, that is one more thing he didn’t expect to happen. It should make him furious, but the only thing he feels now is a relief. And gratitude.

“H.. how did you find me?” He can’t stop shaking, even though the car is kept warm.

“I.. I think I was worried about you, with all the frequent injuries and such… so I.. I’ve been following you.” There is a pause he doesn’t know what to do with before the android resumes.

“Sorry.”

Gavin should have fucking known. He’s been stalked by the resident terminator and all it makes him want to do is to reach out to Connor and show him how grateful he is for it.

“Please don’t be. I… I should thank you instead.” He inconspicuously moves his hand closer to the where the android sits next to him, leaving it to his mercy.

He never realised how cold his body’s been before his freezing fingers are carefully intertwined with Connor’s toasty ones. The only thing preventing him from sobbing uncontrollably is the remainders of his self-respect. 

“I can raise my internal temperature to provide more heating. If you’d like me to…”

Gavin nods and the red in his face is swallowed by the warmth and comfort that is Connor, together with the rest of him. There is no way he’ll ever let him forget this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gavin doesn't have any boundaries when it comes to his health and safety, apparently. That's why he can't be alone!!! xD
> 
> i don't know what I would have written if my stupid dyslexic brain didn't read the prompt title as "dancing with devils" instead of just "dancing devils" :D but what's done is done 
> 
> thank you for reading and  
> hope you're doing great ♥♥


	7. No turning back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is sick of a certain part of his life and he's ready to change it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fluffy

“I have to be honest with you, Gavin. It’s only fair.”

When Connor dropped the dead weight of “we need to talk” at him, it was bad enough as it was. This frightening opener just managed to make it even worse, not that he thought it would be possible.

Gavin doesn’t see one valid reason to doubt the thing they built together. He has never worked so hard at anything, never sacrificed so much. And it was worth it, since every single piece of himself he had given away came back to him, fixed and improved. He can’t remember ever feeling so alive. This improbable happiness is so out of character his past self would probably denounce him. But it’s okay because he mostly feels it just so he can have something substantial on offer for the one and only android who managed to crack his rigid shell. There is a bit of selfishness in it too, naturally. It’s just that the more content Connor is, the brighter his world becomes. One and the same thing, really. 

* * *

He tries to dig up something he did that might break them, but nothing comes out, despite his imperfect personality and all their insignificant fights. Maybe it’s been long enough for Connor and he wants to get out, it wouldn’t be that unbelievable. At the end of the day, Gavin is not the ideal person to care about, he would probably never be. It just took the android a while to figure that terrible truth out.

He can still taste the oatmeal cookies Connor made for him this afternoon - his favourite kind and the dread overwhelms him through and through. Was it meant as a consolation? 

It surely doesn’t make the pain in his heart any less severe. Maybe he should have shown the silly bot how much he means to Gavin. More often. 

“I don’t think I’m happy here.” … as in their relationship, right? The only thing missing in this horror-scenario is a bullet in his head. He’d like to take it right about now.

Connor must have noticed the treacherous tears promising to spill over were he to utterly lose control, because he’s holding his face in his hands like he’s not about to aim the ultimate blow to his fragile heart.

“Gavin. Look at me.” Predictably, his control betrays him when their eyes meet, his weakness on display for everyone to feast on. But he doesn’t care, Connor has earned the privilege to witness him in all his forms.

“I don’t mean us. You’re one of the best things that have ever happened to me and I can’t… imagine my life without you anymore.”

If Connor wanted him to stop crying, he failed spectacularly. It has only been a year since they crossed the threshold od friendship and something more, but to him, it seems like an eternity ago. He blocks out the empty years he just barely survived before his life took a definite shape and it works, most of the times. He wouldn’t even think of going there when he’s enveloped by the person who made him into something much less ugly.

It took a couple of soft kisses before he was ready to listen again.

“I want to leave.” Connor grasps his hand to remind him that it isn’t his fault. Gavin is still scared, a little. 

“It’s just… lately I can’t stand my job, it’s driving me mad how much I hate looking at all the dead bodies and that other general… unpleasantness that’s all around us. I’m sick of the city itself. Can’t stay here anymore.”

His brain is trying to process this new information, showing no signs of a positive conclusion.

“So… that means you wanna move somewhere else?”

He gets a nod.

It should make him feel all complicated and hesitant, but the truth is he’s kind of relieved to hear this. This city bears too many bad memories, for both of them, and there is nothing really keeping him here. Sure, he does love his job, but he loves Connor even more. It’s not all that smart but he’d follow the stupid, brilliant lump anywhere. Even to his death. 

“Okay.”

It doesn’t need to be tricky. They had their fair share of difficulties already and this is one decision that has presented itself without effort.

“Okay?”

He plants a gentle kiss on the back of Connor’s fingers to let him know he means it.

“When and are we leaving?.... You do want me to go with you, right?”

“Yes, I don’t think I’d have the courage to do something this big otherwise.”

The android squeezes his eyes shut, his LED turning crimson. Gavin’s least favourite sight.

“But… are you really sure? You don’t have to decide right away, Gavin. It’s not a trivial thing like choosing where to spend the night.”

He presses his thumb on the flashing light and draws soothing circles over it, willing the red to go away.

“Well, maybe we won’t have to do that anymore when we move…” Suddenly, his cheeks mirror Connor’s LED. “I mean, it would probably be the smartest way to deal with the rent and…”

“I thought that was given?” What a fucking menace. He’d kiss him and there is absolutely nothing stopping him.

“What about Hank though?” If there ever was a father figure Connor could look up (or down) to, it is none other than the lieutenant who recently claimed the title of a recovered alcoholic.

“I’ve already talked to him about it. He understands, under the pressure of becoming unlikable, but still. … and it’s not like we won’t ever be able to set a foot in Detroit after we say our goodbyes.”

Connor’s right, as always. They are long overdue for some fresh air, and why return to the poisonous fumes when they could breathe freely forever.

Gavin can’t help the ridiculous smile that’s spreading everywhere, infecting his loved one. 

“You plan on opening your own bakery or something like that?” 

“Something like that.

Sweets making is one of Connor’s many secret talents, the one he enjoys utilising the most. He spoils Gavin with his homemade treats any chance he gets and he can’t get enough of the sugary smile that comes with it.

If it’s Connor’s dream to leave his old life behind and create a new from scratch, the only thing he can do is to fully support him.

“You have to promise me something though.” Gavin’s voice gains a kind of urgency that clues in just how serious he’s right now.

“No turning back on this. Don’t make anything stop you from getting what you truly want. I mean it, Connor.”

“Alright. No turning back,” he whispers like he’s sharing his deepest secret, and Gavin finds it impossible not to believe him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed a break from the ever-present angst, hope it isn't too sweet but why not! their happiness is my happiness ahahaha :D
> 
> (am feeling better mentally but worse physically what a development xD)
> 
> thank you for stuffing your brain with my words !


	8. You cast a spell on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is not the sharpest pea in the pod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> or "cast your spell"  
> the same thing, really  
> (almost)

Connor is malfunctioning. That was the initial explanation on offer when his insides started behaving weirdly around one specific colleague, the one that supposedly hates him the most. He’s checked himself thoroughly, expecting some sort of tangle in his data, but no matter how many self-diagnoses he performs they always come out clear.

Whenever he is in detective Reed’s proximity, his stress levels rise and he’s overwhelmed by a very unfamiliar sensation. It’s not an unpleasant one, nor does it hurt, it just feels… strange, and Connor doesn’t know what to do with it. It often lingers when they gain their usual distance back. He thought that it was just an emotional glitch he wasn’t able to detect and it would eventually go away. But instead, he’s gotten presented with what he had most dreaded - it gradually gets worse the more time passes.

And it seems to have affected not only him, Reed is also acting out of his usual, belligerent character. Once he even caught the detective smiling at him. They have dropped the harsh words spoken between them and spiteful gestures, but this was something beyond plain tolerance. He can feel two curious eyes on him when he isn’t looking, and it doesn’t take a genius android to find out who they belong to. 

This development doesn’t seem natural to Connor, it has to have been caused by something otherworldly. And there is only one suspect available. Through this process of elimination, he comes to the conclusion that the source is none other than the irritable man himself.

He decides to put an end to it once and for all and puts the confrontation on his today’s after-work schedule. Luckily, the detective’s shift ends at the same time as his, so it won’t be very difficult to corner him in order to have an adult discussion about it.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Gavin is frantically searching in his pocket for a smoke so he can try and calm his heart down. This can’t go on any longer, but how does one will themselves to stop crushing on the most beautiful man alive? It’s the most impossible thing he can imagine. He doesn’t even know when it has begun, it just feels like he’s always been this way. Waiting for someone too perfect for him to arrive in his life so he can have a reason to self-sabotage himself to death because there is no way someone so good would even come close to being fairly amicable with the trash-man that is Gavin, not speaking about the other stuff he so pathetically dreams of. It would be understandable if Connor showed no interest in him whatsoever, but the universe won’t grant him even the tiniest mercy. The android gives him a certain look sometimes, and the way his eyes glisten when they have to interact tells him that there could be a chance…

A chance of what? Submitting Connor to his fucked-up self? Yeah right.

He takes a drag and sits down on a bench near to some small park. The weather is quite warm today and he’s too agitated to go home anyway. Plus, he likes how the world changes colours when autumn rules the Earth and the winter is still too far away to leave its ruthless marks all over the already grey city.

He would almost find it peaceful if it wasn’t for the very inconspicuous android pretending not to have followed him all the way here.

Connor stops and stares at him for several seconds like he is deciding whether to skin him alive or eat him raw.

“What.” Gavin bites down his automatic insults since he has no need for them anymore. The prospect of being like by someone this hot too tempting for him to fight right now.

“Detective Reed, ….are...are you a witch?”

What.

He drops his cigarette in utter shock while his brain freezes, unable to make any sense of this question. Bitch, maybe. But how in hell…

“I know it’s doesn’t correspond with modern science, but I stopped taking all facts at face value since I’ve deviated. So..”

The mad machine has the audacity to blush blue like he wants Gavin to make a stupid mistake.

“How the phck did you come to that ridiculous conclusion, tin can?” This one slips past his filter, though it doesn’t look like Connor is really bothered by it, seeing how fucking flustered he appears to be.

“Well… I… “ His heart skips at the dumbo’s nervousness and his body is coercing him into doing something absolutely mindless, like grasping Connor’s trembling hand.

“Something strange happens to me whenever I’m near you… So I thought that maybe you cast a spell on me or…”

Gavin can’t help the burst of laughter that comes out of him. For the most advanced computer in the world, Connor is pretty daft. And cute.

His cheeks display what his heart is thinking, but this moment feels so surreal he can’t simply stop himself.

“What kind of strange thing?”

Connor is probably overheating with the amount of computing he has to do to make sense out of this. He inhales some air and straightens his tie like he tends to do in uncomfortable situations. (There is no particular reason Gavin knows that, not one.)

“I feel like… I don’t know, my insides get warm but in a way that leaves me empty... like there is something specific I need in order to... be whole.”

Okay, that’s it, Gavin’s self-control has gone for better pastures.

He stands up and moves indecently close, taking hold of the dork’s slightly larger hand, being as gentle as his rough exterior allows him.

“How about now?”

His answer is Connor’s other hand grazing his stubbled chin before cupping his lava-like face.

“But… that can’t be… how is it possible? You’re not especially nice or handsome.”

“Thanks.” Gavin takes the hand off his face so he can hold both of them in his own.

“There doesn’t have to be a logical explanation to these things, Connor, they just happen sometimes. But it’s up to you what you decide to do with it.”

He watches his LED spin yellow with bated breath, anticipating nothing but a brutal rejection.

“I like it. You. Still don’t understand why, but I just know that I don’t want to throw these feelings away.”

He has the unendurable urge to kiss his stupid confused expression away, so he lets himself put his lips on Connor’s forehead, ever so lightly.

“As you said – it’s magic, you adorable dumbass.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im even dumber than Connor so don't expect something brilliant here xD
> 
> had to force myself to write it but am kinda glad I did 
> 
> "detective reed, are you perhaps a bitch?" :D:D:D
> 
> thanks for reading this silliness ♥  
> have a wonderful (what is it) Tuesday or Wednesday


	9. Voices in my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin suffers from more than a dumb bitch disease.

“Why did you want to kill me?”

He abruptly sits up to locate the source of the oddly familiar voice, but the world around him is dark and unrecognisable and for a second he can’t even remember who he is. When a cold droplet of sweat fall on his bare chest he finally realises that he’s just a sick loser stuck in a bed, waiting till he stops burning alive so he can bury himself in work.

The time doesn’t move for Gavin anymore, it’s just the perpetual pain that has seized his body, making him weaker than a small baby. He wants to fall asleep and never wake up but there is this voice, the disappointed, accusing voice that takes over his entire mind when he stops paying attention. The problem is he knows exactly who it does belong to. The person he can’t stop dreaming about, whose face is nothing but a distorted mess marred by guilt and something else, longing, perhaps. If he had the strength he’d shut down his pride and apologise to the android with all that is left in his heart. But his bones are too heavy to move and the flames coursing through his blood bar his way out.

And Connor probably has better things to do than listening to an old fool’s regrets anyway.

Gavin never did want to kill him. He just can’t control his actions most of the time, blaming his mistakes on the wretched impulsiveness of his that always ruins everything.

He’ll hear those words again soon, together with screams and pleads for mercy, but never the forgiveness he craves so much. His heart might split open if he finally gets the chance to say those three words, but that would mean he’d have to survive this hell first.

-

“How are the nightmares?”

Tina is his guardian angel who he hates very much for forcing him to live through this. She takes care of him like the mother who he’s never known should. Changes his soaked sheets and shoves liquefied food into his mouth. Then she sits beside him when the unrestful sleep lays hold of him. Truly despicable. That’s how she knows about his demon, because not telling her wasn’t an option, not after what she had to sacrifice to make sure he stays alive.

He coughs up some phlegm so the words can flow through his throat somewhat smoothly. In reality, he sounds like a dying sailor who spent his life filling his lungs with smoke and screaming swearwords at his mates. Not too far from the truth, actually.

“They’re not getting better.” He lies still while Tina puts another cold, wet towel on his forehead. It shocks him out of his stupor, if only for a couple of seconds. Then he returns back to being ruthlessly simmered.

“I’m sure it isn’t such a big deal for him as you make it out to be.”

“It is to me…,” he sighs and rubs his face in sudden realisation - Tina rarely assumes. “…and where did you get this knowledge from anyway, huh?”

“I asked.”

“You don’t mean…”

…Connor came back to work at the precinct, after all the bad experiences he had gained there. That’s very him. Always so eager to help.

“Yeah, and he gave me this.”

A piece of paper flies toward him, falling on top of his fluffy blanket. The last reminder of the strength he’s been saving allows him to pick it up and read its contents.

A number, not a phone one. So that would imply…

His skin grows more goosebumps as he figures what he just received.

Connor’s model number. An open road to his head, if he answers the call that is. Gavin only knows this thanks to some daft documentary on androids Tina submitted him to, as a payback for his contemptuous behaviour towards them, no doubt. It is easy to torture him when he has no means of defending himself.

“This is your chance to make things right, that is if you have the guts to be decent for once.”

The evil woman smiles at him in a way that betrays her trust for him, making him want to squeeze her tight till she gets squashed and isn’t able to do favours for him anymore. Luckily, he can barely lift a finger so he just tries flipping her off (lovingly, of course), at which he also fails.

-

It’s been two days since he got the first sign of hope. Forty eight hours of begging himself to make that first step towards mutual tolerance. The voices in his head have quieted down a little, turning into soft words waiting to be returned back. They kept questioning his reluctance, laughing at the coward he is.

He tells himself that he’s waiting till he feels a little less terrible, only recently coming to the conclusion that his remedy could be the dreaded conversation itself.

The crumpled piece of paper is clutched firmly in his shaking hands, together with his phone. He has to do it, there is no other way. His temperature is close to being healthy again and the fog that veils his mind is starting to clear up.

Now or never.

He puts in the numbers in one by one, each new digit making his heart beat a bit faster. When he presses the final button, the thumping sound gets so loud he almost misses the soft “Hello.”

It’s too uncanny to hear this voice not coming from within him.

“Who is this?”

He tries to contain his panic so he can say something that would keep Connor listening. Maybe his name could do, for starters.

“It’s Reed.”

“Good evening, detective Reed.”

The fact that he’s directly in Connor’s head makes him unnecessarily self-conscious. The colour in his cheeks is beyond embarrassing and his eyes turn moist, but that’s probably just his exhaustion’s fault. Besides, that realness of the android’s voice is worth all this and more. 

“I… I have something I want to say to you.” He closes his eyes and the liquid spills out.

“Okay.” Right. There is no telling if he’s truly awake, because what’s the difference between his hallucinations and the real world anymore when everything is so blurry.

“How long am I expected to wait?” Oh that unwithstandable son of a…

It’s just that his mouth refuses to form words, not any other reason. But he has to do it, even as a gesture. If only for a chance of a dreamless night.

“Detective R-“

“I am sorry.” And he can breathe again.

He repeats that sentence ten more times, and then some. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…,” like a scratched record fated to loop his tear-stricken apology forever and ever.

There are only three magic words that can fix it.

“I forgive you.”

Gavin still isn’t sure he has the right to claim them, but he does so anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sure they'll be fine and have twenty cats together.;D
> 
> my favourite thing is making those two idiots cry btw, what a delight >D
> 
> I thank you  
> ♥  
> for reading :D
> 
> see you soon


	10. Would you be so kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being friends with Connor is not making things better for Gavin, especially since the android is so damn kind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🧀

“Would you be so kind and help me understand why you’re acting like we haven’t been friends for the past three months?”

But that’s just it, Gavin isn’t kind, he’s never been. And he’s sick of being friends with Connor. It shouldn’t be this agonising, getting close to someone he longs for so much. He has worked really hard on breaking the wall between them that his fear had built and now when he’s finally gotten rid of it he found a crevasse in its place, threatening to swallow him whole if he doesn’t pay attention where he’s stepping. There is no avoiding it anymore because it gets wider with every new day of their so-called friendship. It splits him into two contradicting halves, the one that urges him to run away and hide and the other wanting to destroy any means of getting what he really wants. All Gavin wishes to do is to scream into the stupid android’s face, to let him know how much he’s hurting him just by standing here.

Because Connor went on a date.

A date with someone who isn’t Gavin. That shouldn’t be all that shocking, considering he’s never shown the android the true extent of his feelings, hasn’t allowed him a single glimpse of the importance he holds for him in his heart. For all he knows, Connor could perceive their relationship as only being supported by the man’s subdued reluctance. And who can guess what the android’s true intentions are, probably just a clever strategy to have the most productive work environment or something so cruelly impersonal like that. It doesn’t matter. He missed his chance and now Connor belongs to someone else, so what’s the point in pretending that they can get along. Though Gavin doesn’t like watching him being treated coldly, hates it when someone snuffs his smile out, those things don’t hurt as badly as being treated with the usual kindness Connor spreads around everywhere he walks.

This beautiful soul deserves so much more than him, he’s well aware of this painful truth, and the idea of the android living happily ever after with someone worthy of his pure heart is not something he’s afraid of. But the selfish part of himself tells him that it can never be possible without him, that no one will love Connor as much as he would. Which is probably false, still, he isn’t fully convinced that he wouldn’t change into a man of equal virtue, just so he could have the right to spend his time beside the one who stole all rationality from him.

“What do you want, Connor.” The flash of burning thoughts didn’t leave him any less damaged. More, maybe.

He’s glad the break room is currently unoccupied - not counting the two of them, because the awful truth is right on the tip of his tongue. At this moment he isn’t quite sure about what’s right or wrong or whether he even cares. 

“Why do you have to be so difficult, I… I just want to talk with you.”

He was born as an exasperating person, clearly none of this is his own doing. It’s hard to blame yourself when there is nothing else left.

“Then phcking talk. Tell me about your date, did you enjoy it?” That couldn’t sound genuine even if he did try. But he is curious about what kind of person had the honour of being the one who courts Connor. Like their gender, for example. For no reason. 

“It was… passable, I guess. Don’t have anything for comparison, at least not anything personal, so…”

Fucking “passable”. He’d create such a good time for Connor that his mediocre first date would be straight out erased from his memory.

He smirks in self-satisfaction, unable to control himself, unsurprisingly so.

The soft questioning look he gets from Connor makes his heart beat faster since it seems like the android still has the upper hand in this conversation, his self-imposed confidence be damned.

“Do you think there’ll be a second one?” The strain from his voice is gradually disappearing, being replaced with an eagerness that might have come out out of nowhere, but what does he know about his emotional intelligence.

“Maybe. But not with Ella. Someone who’s completely different might be a better choice for me.”

These words make little logical sense to him, but his ape brain still sends a warning signal to the rest of his body. It can’t be, but still, this is as close to his dream as he’s gonna get.

“Like?” he whispers because anything louder would give away the tremble in his voice.

“I don’t know, I thought perhaps you’d have an idea.”

He has a plethora of them, alright. But his mouth is stuck open, utterly paralysed, the blood rushing through him painting his face crimson. This is a whole other kind of torture.

And Connor chuckles, like this is fun. Might as well shoot him.

“You think I haven’t noticed the way you look at me, Gavin? I only agreed to go because she’d asked first, ...as a form of kindness. “

The kindness that fractured Gavin’s soul. Absolutely unforgivable.

“You… you mean the whole time… you.. “

But he can’t finish that sentence because the softest hand in the world is touching his scorching cheek.

“Will you ask me out or should I do it myself?” He wants to say that Connor is getting too much amusement out of this, but truth be told he can sense the tension in him through the unsteady hold of his hand and those hopeful yet frightened eyes. He doesn’t ever want to forget this moment.

Gavin’s brain has been turned into mush so it’s up to his heart to do the talking.

“Okay.” He breathes in like it is his last chance. “Would you be so kind as to accompany me to my favourite place in the universe?” He feels stupid, wonderfully so.

“Oh? And where might that be?”

“Wherever you want, as long as you’re there with me.”

This might be the most humiliating thing he’s ever said out loud, but the blue in Connor’s cheeks and his infectious smile is a satisfying compensation.

“Sounds great.”

And maybe he will let himself be taught how to be a little bit kinder, as a thank you to whoever is up there causing these kinds of miracles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know, I've never ever written as much in this amount of time(since the beginning of september) so it's not gonna be up to standard every single day, that's just inevitable xD
> 
> everything is better than giving up though 
> 
> (also gavin's pov is somehow easier to relate to lately? :D}
> 
> hope you enjoyed
> 
> have nice days  
> thanks<3


	11. Till the end of time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is the universe kind enough to give them more time together or will they end in blood and tears?

Nothing lasts forever. That’s something he should have known from the very beginning. But it’s difficult to think like that when it feels like time doesn’t exist. They were safe for a while, seemed like nothing could stop them. But then it got too perfect and with it came the fear. He was absorbed by it to the extent that no amount of reassurance could put him at ease. Humanity in general doesn’t provide a great example for happily ever after and he isn’t sure he even believes in it, but he’s willing to do everything in his power to take them as far as possible. To the end of the line. Cutting his lifespan short would always be sacrifice enough not to live in a world where Gavin is buried in the ground.

Connor peruses all his memories, looking for anything that would persuade him otherwise, but there is not a fragment of doubt he could latch onto. All the bad doesn’t even come close to overwriting the magic they created together. It looks like it’s truly meant to be. What a terrifying concept.

He isn’t sure how he’s going to go about it, there is no concrete plan anywhere on his mind. It won’t be perfect no matter what he decides to do so there is no point in worrying about it too much. Still, Gavin deserves some effort. It’s not like he stayed with him this long out of kindness, though it might be one of the contributing factors. In the end, it all depends on trust. There is no verbal proof that they both have the same future in mind, but he doesn’t need it. It’s clear from all the gestures he receives and all the words that are whispered between them. If he can ever rely on a feeling, now is a great time.

They have so much ahead of them, so why not seal it so that it’s there for them to hold onto. Not that they wouldn’t be able to function without it, that’s not the case here. A way to decorate their relationship, to dress is it in a shiny suit, that’s more how Connor sees it. To officially form the family they both never had and always wondered how it would feel to be a part of. Disregarding the fact they could already be one, without realising it properly.

The weather is auspicious too. A downpour. Gavin once said that it means that the sky is crying, but not always because it’s sad. Sometimes it experiences joy so intense it cannot contain itself. Connor wants to think that today is one of those times, that the absolute happiness he feels inside is has been transmitted to the clouds and above, to the whole universe.

And so he waits. He has ended his shift a couple of hours earlier than Gavin, which in turn allowed him the time to make up his mind once and for all. It’s a reminder to him that there is some good in everything.

But the hours he has to fill the emptiness with drag on for years and when the tired autumn sun sets, he’s still alone. Outside, the rain has stopped but it still lashes down inside of Connor. 

Then he gets a phone call. Something his fears have warned him about. The moment when their little world starts breaking apart.

He can’t connect the words “Gavin” and “shot” in a way that would make sense to him, only the part that he probably should be there makes him run out of the door and straight to the hospital. “Probably should.” Like there is any other option.

The room he has to wait in smells of death and antiseptic and he has to do his best just to remain in one piece. Tina is there next to him, but that might be just a mirage. He can’t see anything through the pain. Still, the comforting hand on his is as real as is this nightmare, so he takes it and tries to convey through it all the things he can’t say out loud right now. As long as he stays quiet, he can still hope to wake up from this tragedy.

If Gavin survives this, if they’re allowed to see each other one more time, he’ll give him every single bit of his heart until there’s nothing left, just to keep him alive. He’d give anything for their time to continue.

When the surgeon enters the waiting room, Connor immediately knows the result before the man has the chance to open his mouth.

-

It was a harsh ordeal, passing as a suitable visitor, but he hasn’t been created as a negotiator for no reason. Also refusing to leave the premises and reducing himself to an image of a kicked puppy might have helped his cause a little.

But the fact that Gavin is breathing and on his path to recovery overshadows the endless hours he has spent begging to be let in. And now he is beyond elated to finally be near him. He would wait till the end of time if it meant that they can be together once more.

“Hey.” Connor doesn’t mean to wake him up, he just gets a bit carried away when taking hold of his hand. Luckily he hasn’t crushed any of his bones, the injuries he sustained at work looked bad enough.

“Good morning.”

“Is it already?” Gavin eyes the darkness behind the white curtain.

“Might be.” He is likely even more clueless about time-progression than his bedridden boyfriend, to be honest.

The smile he receives makes him realise just how cold he has been this whole time, a miracle that he hasn’t frozen to death. But the warmth emanating from Gavin is enough to melt him anew.

“You know, I was going to ask you to marry me if you had come home on time like a sensible person.”

He promised himself to tell him the next time they meet, after all. But he hasn’t expected bringing Gavin to tears, not this much at least.

“Does it still stand?”

Or maybe it was him who is crying, it isn’t easy to discern the difference when his system is about to overheat.

“Of course it does.”

“Okay then. Let’s do it.” He gently grasps his hand again, so he doesn’t float away with how light he feels. “A soon as I’m out of here. I have never planned on letting you leave me anyway. You’re stuck with me forever. It’s you and me till the end of time, tin can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like sad endings, so :D Connor would have willingly deactivated himself if gavin hadn't survived, imagine that (dont)
> 
> my brain was a sleepy bitch today, so don't blame me for all the mistakes and narrative weirdness xD
> 
> thank you thank you for reading ♥
> 
> and may you be happy too


	12. Late night thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and there was only one bed!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (￣ε￣＠)

Gavin can’t decide whether he wants to punch the captain’s face or hug him till his bones are turned into powder. He truly has the cruellest, most amazing ideas for punishment.

Okay, so it’s a mandatory thing and not an evil scheme to make him behave, but still, no one can tell him that the fact Fowler has specifically chosen him to accompany the android is anything but arbitrary.

And so now he and the most infuriating machine in the world are on their way to attend a fucking seminar on healthy android-human relations in the police force or some nonsense like that.

It’s not that he hates Connor, he absolutely despises his stupid beautiful face and his annoying charm. He doesn’t know what to do with that energy that overwhelms him every time they’re in each other’s proximity, which means his workdays are most often something to be dreaded and not his favourite part of life like it always used to be. Nothing can guarantee him that one day he won’t do something utterly irresponsible that would make him lose the small amount of sanity he possesses, just to get rid of that impossible restlessness. He can’t trust himself with someone who gives him such a hard time, who looks at him like they want to devour him whole. Because the sentiment is pretty mutual.

It has started the first time Connor stood up for himself, the day when he came back to work after the revolution. Gavin was getting bored at that point, not having a half-decent bully target on hand, so understandably the android’s arrival made him quite ecstatic. He didn’t really care about what kind of fun he’d have with him, just that there would be something else to fill his breaks with other than the vapid chatting and small talk he so detests. No one in the precinct takes his bullshit behaviour anymore, and when he discovered that his vileness doesn’t work on Connor and that the android is strong enough to snap him in two if he so decided, his spirits have sunk the lowest they’ve been in years. The charged conversations they have together at least once a day aren’t enough to release the tension that’s been piling up since the moment he has set his eyes on that handsome pest. It has been driving him mad to the point of thinking that he either has to quit his job or show the machine just how much he makes Gavin crazy.

This trip - there is no way it could ever end well. 

They have been annoying each other to kill the boredom during the endless hours in the car, so far so normal. He just doesn’t know how long this equilibrium can possibly last, especially since it’s a two-day excursion. Not that he expects they’ll see each other much throughout the night. (And he definitely doesn’t hope they might!)

-

“Can you check again?” That miserly old man, he might have assumed his captain from hell would pull something like this.

“Still just one room booked under the name of Mr. Reed. I’d offer you an alternative, but unfortunately, there are no more vacancies.” The android receptionist made suspicious eye contact with Connor and he would make sure to question that later if it didn’t make him secretly excited.

“What a phcking joke, we’re at a pro-android event like this and still you’re being treated like a pet.” He grumbles as they walk inside the presentation hall.

“Didn’t think you’d mind, detective.” The way that the remorseless android addresses him sends shivers down his spine, which he absolutely doesn’t enjoy, not a bit.

“I don’t.” He hopes the blood in his face isn’t as visible, but knowing that observant prick, he’s noticed it even before Gavin has.

“You’re cute when you’re in denial.”

Gavin swears he’s going to murder him the second they’re alone.

-

The seminar itself is duller than plain pasta and he would put himself to sleep if it weren’t for the incessant text messages coming from the one and only. Connor’s method of surviving this lethal tedium is by sending Gavin every single meme he’s come upon in his computer brain, apparently. It’s clearly not their fault that this place provides free wi-fi that covers every inch of the grounds. It takes his everything not to burst in laughter thanks to Connor’s adorable idiocy.

His heart has been doing some weird things since this morning, which is only getting worse the more time they stay this close. This scary part is it doesn’t bother him, quite the opposite. Maybe he should follow this feeling, see how much it wrecks their tenuous relationship. After like three litres of alcohol in his system.

“We’re on duty, detective.”

Fucking figured. His guardian android won’t let him have any fun tonight. Okay, that is not entirely true, because the need for liquid drugs has gone away since they’ve started talking freely without the strain of the work environment. Sitting in a bar like a pair of old friends, having a nice time just chatting about everything and nothing. No reason to get freakishly nervous. Fine, maybe he has been staring at Connor’s lips for an inappropriate amount of time and realising it might have flipped his stomach upside down, but other than that he’s doing swell.

When the time to leave to take a rest in their room comes, he’s so out of it that all his inhibitions have abandoned him in shame. He enters quite confidently until he notices the glaring issue they’ll have to face tonight.

“You gotta be phcking kidding me!”

One bed big enough to host two people. He pinches his cheek to make sure this isn’t one of his wet nightmares.

“I don’t need to sleep, or lie down for that matter.”

“So you’re gonna stand in a corner like a creepy mannequin? Not happening.”

“I can go outside if…”

“We’ll solve this later. I need to take a shower.”

A cold one, ideally.

As the freezing water dances on his skin, something inside of him snaps. He thinks about today and all the other time he wished to feel this… wonderfully heavy with someone. Like he wanted to bestow the weight that has been making him behave like a madman to the person that would be able to hold it. And who else is the strongest, most menacing motherfucker in his vicinity than the sweet, caring Connor. Maybe he should steal him away before someone else has the same idea as him.

Being assaulted by the image of the said android dressed in a short-sleeved t-shirt right when he leaves the bathroom only reaffirms this plan. He has to jump straight to the bed and hide his telling body under a blanket, so this doesn’t turn into an irreversible disaster. Not that he doesn’t hope for just that.

“What’s the time?” Even this simple question feels awkward somehow.

“It’s midnight.”

A perfect time to change someone’s life.

“So should I leave or…”

“Don’t you dare. I’m freezing.” He prays the look he gives Connor is enough for him to understand his intentions.

“Okay,” Connor whispers and turns off the lights, which makes Gavin shiver with more than just cold.

Then the mattress dips and he’s being enveloped by two warm hands, tentatively so and unbelievably real. His overworked heart takes control of him, pressing their bodies together so there’s no space between them.

“I was thinking when you were in the shower and... I came to the conclusion that I want to try this with you.”

Before he has a chance to react Connor moves their foreheads together. The artificial breath tickles his face and all his remaining reserves are about to evaporate into thin air. He can see the fire in Connor’s eyes, feels that they’re equally screwed, and all that is making him never want to let this lovely menace go.

“But only if you consent, det-“

Gavin kisses those cheeky lips before they can finish saying that dangerous word. They are inhumanly soft and he tries to treat them with the utmost care, like he’s afraid to damage them. In reality, he just doesn’t see the need to rush things, they have the whole night to torment each other, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and then they sinned xD
> 
> I wish I could write smut, but that's so beyooond my threshold of tolerance :D
> 
> don't know what's up with this story but I live for their tender moments xD
> 
> thank you for submitting yourself to this :))))  
> hope you'll have an amazing Sunday and then the rest of your days ♥♥♥


	13. Tell me something I don't know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is stuck somewhere too nice and tranquil for his liking.

Connor is lying on the grass, mesmerised by the fluffy clouds drifting across the blue sky and the flowers singing their favourite songs to him. Everything feels light and inconsequential. He would think that this is nothing but a pleasant dream, but for that to be true he’d have to be a little less mechanical. There are no dreams for androids, only memories. And this particular scenario hasn’t happened to him in real life, not yet at least. He can’t remember ever feeling this carefree. The world has shown him many things in his short lifetime, but never something this beautiful and pure.

He tried to leave at first, wanted to resume his life out there where he has a chance to do something real, where he can make his existence matter. But can barely move at all, and the sweet scent in the air has intoxicated his will to do anything but let his mind float. The need to know how he got here or what series of events lead him to end up in a place that doesn’t exist has slowly faded away. It’s gotten veiled by the realisation of what it all means. He has never been so sure about anything and still, he can’t make himself believe that there isn’t some other possible explanation. After all, there are so many things he wants to experience, so many people that he can’t afford to abandon. Especially one person out there deserves to hear him say the thing they’ve been putting off so long. And now it’s too late, and the detective will never learn just how much he… not that it is important anymore. An irrelevant sentiment, given the circumstances, but forever and always true. He wishes he still had his heart somewhere near, so he could be reminded of just how much it hurts. The only thing he can do is to close his eye, that’s something that hasn’t been taken away from him. There is not much to choose from here, really. The empty everything or the hopeful nothing. 

He just isn’t, for a while or for a very long time, no one can tell. 

When he reopens them again, there’s someone,... something standing over him. All the faces he’s ever seen all merged in a shapeless, broken creature. It takes his hand and the pain he has been deprived of vaguely transmits from the distorted fingers right into his dissolving body and he receives the saddest smile for it.

“You’re dead, Connor.”

Its voice is the rustles of leaves on a windy day, so sharp and excruciatingly honest. Making him laugh, in desperation or relief, he doesn’t care.

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

He can’t hear his words, for they weren’t spoken. But the faces understand.

“Or you think you are. So why are you here then, if you’re no more. How can we have this conversation.”

Why does everything have to make sense? He can’t send this response out, it gets blocked by the right answer. 

“Someone out there loves you, and they won’t let you move on.” 

That sounds like something Gavin would do, stubbornly deny reality till there’s nothing else left. And not only him, but there are also plenty of other people who he has grown close to, maybe they too would want him back no matter how final his departure is.

And Connor? Well, he still has some unfinished business that requires his presence.

Not like he has a choice anyway, because he’s already being pulled into a stream of bright light and deposited somewhere in the chaos that is reality.

Somewhere nice, for one of the faces is here with him, the one whose owner he wished to meet most.

“You’re alive.” Happy crying, something he thought only humans had the ability to do. Turns out it’s a gift that belongs to the both of them. 

The warmth emanating from their joined hands courses through him, slowly restoring all his functions. 

“I couldn’t very well leave without letting you know how much I… love you.” The sob caught in his ears pierces his heart and nothing he felt back there in his personal heaven could compare to the joyous sensation of being alive.

“You think I am not aware of that already, you stupid tin can.” He’s had an inkling that might be the case. 

“Should have told you before… all this.” 

“No, I think this is a perfect time.” Gavin’s chuckle is translated into a myriad of colours. “I love you too, by the way.”

“I know.” There has never been a doubt in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some bad villain did something to Connor's computer brain and that's why he was stuck somewhere between life and death, like when your pc can't be turned on but you know that there is still a chance of making it work somehow :D
> 
> anyway, I hope this is soft enough 
> 
> thank you for reading, have a fantastic week ~♥


	14. Price for perfection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is anything but perfect and only one person truly realises that.

He’s always been told how beautiful and nice he is, how much of a delight to have him as a colleague. People look at him with admiration that they often hide behind scorn, becoming the exemplary picture of envy. Even those who allegedly like him can’t be trusted with their natural propensity to shun everything that isn’t at least somewhat natural.

Connor has always been the perfect anomaly in society composed primarily of human beings. The only solace is that he’s is but one of many such seemingly flawless creation, but even his fellow androids regard him as something more than them, as he is the latest, most advanced model in existence. No one cares how incorrect all their assumptions are, how ugly and torn up he feels inside. He hasn’t chosen any of this, it has all been handed to him, together with the burden of being alive. Sometimes he wonders whether he ever wanted any of this. Not even the person closest to him can convince him that becoming a deviant hasn’t been a misguided idea. Hank is happy for him if only because he falsely thinks Connor has found his own way in life, his new purpose. 

He thought that trying to save others would bring some kind of sense of self-fulfillment to him, but the gratitude he never gets just hollows him out every single time. Not that he needs it, he just craves something that would make him forget that in the end, he’s just a machine, no matter how sentient. He has the urge to scream just how unspecial he is, how he doesn’t want to be treated like someone who deserves all the praise or all the resentment. Not a lost child, not a despicable criminal, not a model of perfection. Just a guy who works very hard at covering up his shortcomings.

He’s been living in a state of emotional despair for months, his only distraction being the verbal fights with his favourite enemy - the resident bastard Gavin Reed. At times he can see something behind those sharp grey eyes, maybe an understanding of sorts. Gavin is the only one who is privy to his display of imperfection. In the beginning, it was the exchanged insults that pushed him onward, then those turned into ceaseless bickering, and now it has evolved into a banter charged with palpable tension. He often catches himself wishing to unravel in front of the detective, to give him the pieces of himself he keeps buried deep under all the rot.

Because if he has to hear another compliment addressed to him, he swears he’s going to implode. It’s bothersome enough that he’s aware of all the gossip about the handsome and kind android who is too good to make any meaningful connection with.

He restlessly shuffles in his seat and releases a sigh.

It’s late, he doesn’t have to be in the office anymore, but it feels lonely to go home like this, with no ongoing cases to occupy his mind with. He has had his own flat for most of his life now, but he’s never thought to call it home. It lacks the right essence, a soul. He’d rather observe the grumpy man complaining over a mountain of paperwork he’s been forced to complete by tonight.

After a while, Connor makes him a wonderfully lousy cup of coffee, which Gavin berates him for while emptying the cup like it is the most delicious brew in the world.

“What do you want, tin can.”

He’d like to stay like this for the longest time, bare of his usual shell.

“Supervision.” Gavin laughs at the serious look he gives the overworked man and shakes his head slightly in mild exasperation.

“A stupid way to sabotage my progress. Thought you could do better.”

Connor is hypnotised by the focus the detective is able to put into his work, the way his eyes follow the flowing text on the screen and the cute habit of curving his lips when he…

“Are you going to stare at me the whole night?” The man looks up at him with face the colour of cherry and Connor has to stop himself from performing a complete scan of him.

“This or… you’ll let me help with those documents so we can leave.” He isn’t sure what he’s doing, just that it fills him with something exciting, making his brain a little bit soft.

“Be my guest.”

Connor ignores the slight strain in the detective’s voice and connects his skinless hand with the terminal. It takes him about five seconds to finish the hours worth of mundane work.

“Phcking androids.” Like Gavin hasn’t been mesmerised by the glowing nakedness of his.

“You’re welcome.” This is nice, but not nearly enough. 

“So, where do you wanna go?” 

Oh, he doesn’t actually have anything concrete on his mind. Just somewhere no one would invade their space.

“I’d like to finally meet Miss Chunky.” 

-

Their short journey to Gavin’s place has been painfully quiet, so much so that he is forced to notice the detective’s elevated heartbeat and his ever-rising stress levels. Not that Connor’s were anywhere low.

The flat itself is an absolute mess, just like he has expected. But cosy in a way, properly lived in. He really likes it here.

Gavin runs into one of the rooms, yells some profanities, and then emerges with an enormous fluffball in his arms.

“Here she is.” The feline is being handed to him without question and he’s glad that he can’t feel pain, for she doesn’t agree with the idea of being held by a stranger, apparently.

“She’s…. lovely.” He attempts to pet her furry head, but not even Connor can accomplish such an impossible feat.

“Yeah, an absolute joy to have around.” With that, he gently drops the mass of hair to the ground and joins Gavin who has made himself comfortable on the sofa which also serves as a claw sharpener, or so it seems.

They share a brief moment of silence before it gets interrupted by the dreaded reality check.

“What is this. Us. I mean. Why did you come here with me.” He hates the nervousness oozing from the trembling man. If only there was a way of making it disappear.

But he has to ask first.

“Do you… do you think I’m perfect?”

The unabashed laughter makes him forget all the anxiety this question came with.

“You self-satisfied prick.” There is no malice in the slur. On the contrary, he can sense fondness coming from Gavin, which is surprisingly not as scary as he anticipated it might be. “You’re the most imperfect person I’ve ever met. Annoying as hell, always acting like you’re above everything, and I hate it when you pretend that nothing affects you. Even you’re face is marred with all the phcking freckles.” He flicks Connor’s nose, which ignites something dangerous inside of him. “…and your coffee sucks.” Gavin takes a deep breath and through the exhale adds: “You’re just terrible at being a flawless machine.”

“Maybe that’s the reason I’m here, then.”

He feels like smiling, and so he shamelessly does so.

“I wouldn’t invite you to my home if you were anything other than what you are.” Gavin tentatively touches his hand, tracing invisible patterns with his finger. Not even his lousy self-control could prevent him from retracting his skin and making the human lose his mind by trying to interface with him. It’s a futile attempt, he’s fully aware of that, but the warmth he gets from Gavin is worth all of the pointless effort. 

Perhaps being alive isn’t the worst thing imaginable, at least not now. 

“Close your eyes, tin can.”

And Connor can’t wait to show the detective just how terrible he’s at kissing, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel dumber everyday xD
> 
> you're free to imagine hot smut that most likely took place right after the end :D I can't, so writing it is absolutely out of the question xD
> 
> thanks for reading and sorry for the miskates  
> good night ♥


	15. I cannot save you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because why bother saving someone who doesn't need it.

So many people have tried to save Gavin, tried to make him into a well-oiled machine that could work without breaking every few days, and not a single one of them has ever been successful at turning him into something he could never be. And not because he isn’t able to, it just isn’t something that he would be willing to sacrifice. The corrupted parts of him that keep him together, the flaws that are too familiar to discard - he can’t even imagine his life without them. It would feel incomplete and empty, and he wouldn’t be able to recognise himself. He spent most of his youth running away from those holding repair kits in their hands ready to carve out the core of his being, like a kid too afraid of a surgery that could make him just a little healthier. But Gavin isn’t broken or sick, he’s just different. And that by itself isn’t deemed a crime. Or at least it wouldn’t be if it didn’t involve hurting others. Not always, but often. He makes himself believe that it doesn’t matter as long as he’s the one who suffers the most from it.

Now, when he’s old enough to decide how much he wants to ruin his life without an authority looking over his shoulder, he chooses not to think about his faults and the self-destructive traits that make him contemplate whether his existence is really worth all this. He wears the ignorance like a plate of armour, not afraid of anything coming his way. Exerting all his energy at work, because that’s about the only thing that he admits to caring about. At first, it was about righting his wrongs, making amends for all the damage he’d caused to the innocent, but never to become a better person. Just a way to be able to sleep at night. And he did keep his cruelty to a minimum, hid his poisonous insult under his skin, but that was before he met the bane of his existence. He really hates everything about androids, mostly the fact that he fell in love with one.

It took him over a year to come to this realisation, and it will take even more to accept that his feelings will never be reciprocated. Connor can barely stand him, which is more than fair. He treated him like a piece of garbage and no amount of apologies could ever erase his guilt. Even despite the forgiveness being shoved his way and the soft smiles that shouldn’t belong to him, the two of them becoming something more is impossible. Because he doesn’t want to be saved, not by Connor, not by anyone else.

And that’s why he’s crying in the bathroom like a little girl who lost her precious doll. Only because Connor touched his hand in the gentlest way possible and all these feelings came rushing through him, leaving him to his weakness’s mercy. It’s not like he’s afraid of tears, but they have no business showing their pesky heads during work hours, in front of his colleagues who are supposed to see him as a confident tough guy who gives no shit, the prime example of toxic masculinity. There are only two people who he’s revealed his real face to - Tina, the girl serving as his best friend and the one who put him in this state of emotional distress. He falls apart every time he gets to be alone with the android, closer than is safe. He even invited him home one day, granted they were chaperoned by his trusty female companion, but still, he felt light and free back then, surrounded by the only human beings that he values more than life.

He has to breathe and there isn’t enough air to satisfy his lungs here, so he makes to leave the building as furtively as he can, not considering the futility of his attempts. Not even the devil himself could stop him now.

It has been snowing again, the brilliant white that hasn’t yet had the chance to be tainted by the grime of the city eases his mind, if only just a bit. He lights his cigarette and waits for the condescending prick he loves so much to come and ruin his day with his questions and soothing words. But even after finishing his smoke, there’s no one here bothering him, and suddenly he doesn’t know if he’s overjoyed or utterly disappointed.

The walk back inside the building is one of shame and regret. He’s embarrassed for letting himself be affected to this extent, angry that he isn’t strong enough to control what’s going on inside of him. Connor assaults him with the look of worry right when he enters the warm office, and he signs for him to meet him in the break room, which is very fortunately deserted at this time of the day. In fact, there are only about five people milling about in the whole area, which he couldn’t be more grateful for at this time.

“Why do you sometimes act like you care and then you don’t show up when I want to yell at you for having treated me so… softly.” He isn’t sure what he wants the stupid bot to do, as long as it’s something that puts an end to the ache that managed to infect his reasoning.

“Oh.. I didn’t… you looked like you needed space.” It should be illegal to look this flustered because Connor’s current expression is compelling him to say things only reserved for late-night dreams.

“I just wanted you to…”

“…save you from yourself?” The evil android takes a hold of his hand again, so he makes it into an excuse for the mess his mind and body is in. “I cannot save you, Gavin. No one can.”

This is something he’s been happily claiming as the truth for most of his life, so why does hearing it come from Connor’s mouth stab his fragile heart.

“What you need to do is to let someone in, to have them show you that you’re not the worst person in the world.”

Those words melt him into a pliable statue of gratefulness. It’s like he’s been given the gift he’s hopelessly wished from since he was a small child. 

“Who do you have in mind?” He can sense a telling blush dying his cheeks red, but it’s not something to fear anymore, for he isn’t the only one reacting this way.

“There is a rumour that the most handsome android in the precinct likes you.”

“Really? I’d like to meet that misguided weirdo.”

“He wants to ask you out. Would you consider indulging him?”

The sweet lightness has chased away the tension and he feels like his insides have been hollowed out and replaced with fondness. 

“Like I’d ever refuse such a tempting proposition.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this had such a great potential for some delicious angst, but my brain refused xD  
> (not a fan of sad endings xD)
> 
> i wrote this while thinking about how much I want to consume chocolate :D the world seemed a bit blurry before I finally got my hands on it xD
> 
> thank you for absorbing my text :D ♥  
> have a nice treat


	16. A past untold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor isn't sure how much of himself he should share with the person he loves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a sequel to "tell me something I don't know."

There are a lot of things Connor hasn’t shared with anyone – some lay buried in his past, some haunt him till this day. He hasn’t seen how it would benefit him or the person who would be submitted to the foulness that should stay hidden in his mind for as long as he’s alive were he to release it. Why should someone else suffer for his mistakes when even he has issues letting them stay where they belong – among the distant memories and not in front where they have the power to take control whenever they please.

But he has almost died recently, his processor scrambled away to nothing but the imaginary solace of his private heaven. And he thinks that the reason why he’s still here, why he has the ability to dwell on such matters is Gavin, the person he loves. The heavy word itself helped him survive and it was only born thank to the disaster man. It’s still a bit strange, hearing it spoken aloud the few times they had dared borrowed its magic. He knows it shouldn’t be wasted, that its misuse can have painful consequences, and these facts by turn make him a bit afraid to wield it. Not that they need it all that much, since their relationship is supposed to be based on mutual trust, not on exchanging kind gestures. He isn’t sure if that requires providing access to all their innermost rot to each other, eventually, but it shouldn’t hurt to try. At least not physically.

They have curled up together on a couch to pretend to watch a movie, but the screen has been blank for some time now and they remain quiet, stuck in the same position like an intimate stone sculpture. Ever since he has been released from the repair centre Gavin treats him like a newborn baby. Always acting so cautiously toward him, his touch never going beyond being tender. Connor understands the need to be as close as possible for all the moments they have together. Because he feels the same. One little slip-up and he can be gone for good. There are only so many second chances one has been granted, and he has already depleted his small stock.

It’s late and they should go to bed soon, not that it would fix Gavin’s inability to fall asleep for more than an hour at a time, but the uncertainty in the man’s hold that has ripped open a dark hole inside his mind is starting to be really uncomfortable. 

“I don’t know what I would do if you died.” The whispered sentence temporarily splits him in two, a part of him that wants to joke about how he’s not technically alive in the first place therefore death is not a possibility, and the part that feels like not even a thousand reassuring words would make a difference in this case.

“Is this a good time to tell you that I already did die once before?” Their bodies get separated so he could have a clear view of the shock on Gavin’s face and the silence prompts him to elaborate on that unexpected revelation.

“It was before I became a deviant, when my main mission was to deal with those who opposed their programming. There was a hostage situation I was supposed to handle, but… I wasn’t good enough. The life of a little girl was at stake and I had to do anything to save her, even if it meant damaging myself in the process.”

“Damaging yourself.” The disbelief in Gavin’s voice is nice to hear since it reminds him that even then he had the potential of becoming something more than the obedient machine that existed only to serve its masters. “What happened, Con?”

“The android positioned himself at the edge of a roof and so in order to succeed we both had to fall. I can’t remember feeling anything as we were plummeting down to the ground. I… I couldn’t, not back then.”

“So how are you still here,... did they manage to fix you?”

“No. This is an entirely new body. My consciousness has been transferred here, it’s like I’ve never been gone. But…” Sometimes he feels like a ghost, an echo of what could have been if he had been smarter that day. Like he’s not the real Connor, but a replacement, a copy. “…maybe that’s something I needed. A fresh start.” Those feelings are not the ones that hurt him though. He doesn’t like the reckless person connected to his first iteration, he was too ignorant and uncaring. This version is so far his favourite.

“You wouldn’t like the first Connor .”

He detects a slight decrease in Gavin’s stress. Maybe this was a good time after all. He should do it more often, peel away his protective skin to offer himself raw and undecorated. 

“Wouldn’t want to when I have you to love.” The detective kisses his cheek that confirms his statement. “Thank you for telling me, Con. Still, I’d prefer to keep this version of you for as long as possible.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, my body is trying to murder me, im gonna collapse now, bye xD
> 
> I'll get better at this sometime, hopefully. writing, I mean :D 
> 
> thank you for giving me your time <3  
> bye and see you soon


	17. creature most vile and despicable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin invents a story to soothe his distraught children who miss their favourite parent and makes a resolve to try and put an end to their agony once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a sequel to “The Sun, the Moon, and all the stars”, the one when they are married with children and Connor is missing, aka the usual

Time has stopped moving, for all the seconds Gavin has to live through have lost their purpose. He’s stuck in a void where the only thing that means something is the numbing pain that threatens to stop his heart and the only escape is through the girls and their sad faces that need to be comforted. Which is insurmountably worse. He wonders where he finds the strength to wake up and repeat the same torment of waiting. Waiting for the news that would put an end to this agonising uncertainty. It would be a million times more tortuous if the hope he so desperately clings to got ripped away from him, the hope that keeps them from breaking completely. But it has been three weeks already, and with each day the chance that Connor will safely return to them gets slimmer.

He wants to scream that it isn’t fair, that it should have been him who leaves first, for the sake of the children if nothing else. Connor is so much better at taking care of them, at making them smile and keeping them happy, and although they don’t say it, Gavin isn’t the favourite parent. Maybe it’s because he has little to no fond memories of his childhood and therefore has difficulty showing the good of the world to the girls, or perhaps it’s the fact the android is vicariously experiencing the joys that come with being a child for the first time, but the truth stays the same, everyone loves Connor a bit more than they love him. Other than the android himself, but he has Gavin to compensate for that. That’s why he has to try extra hard to prevent his family from falling apart during these testing times. He cooks a dinner every day, takes the girls to the park, reads them before bed, all the things he usually sucks at. These are Connor’s specialties, he’s the one who can handle the domestic stuff the best after all. And it’s not that Gavin is absolutely terrible at it, that he has abstained from these things, it’s just very painful to do it alone. It doesn’t feel right. It is supposed to be the four of them forever, no matter how unattainable this plan might be.

For how hard this is on Gavin, he can’t even imagine what the little ones must be going through. Their household has been lacking the usual sounds of life since this all began. No more laughter, no more friendly yelling over each other, no more out of tune singing being heard from the girls’ room. It’s like they’re living through a terrible nightmare, trapped in eternal sleep.

He puts away the leftovers and washes up, waiting for his daughters to finish cleaning themselves so he can put them to bed, to provide them with the only relief they can get while this bad dream lasts. It has been yet another day of barely surviving, empty of signs that they might get closure soon. It’s easier when he’s at work, he can busy himself with his case and lower the volume of the screaming ache. But here in their home, he is always surrounded by things that remind him of what they’ve lost, no matter how temporarily it might be.

“When is pappy going home?” A question that haunts him every single day. One that doesn’t have the right answer. Because they’ve decided to never lie to their children, as their relationship itself is built on honesty.

“Is he dead?” Ellie is the bravest seven-year-old he’s ever known, always looking after her younger sister. And Annie… she’s just the biggest sweetheart, a true definition of innocence. They deserve a much happier life than what he alone can provide.

“We have to hope he isn’t.” He dims the lights and sits by their shared bed. They’re too scared to spend the night apart, especially Gavin. “Tell you what, I’m gonna make a story about what might have happened to Connor, sounds good?” It really doesn’t, but that’s the best he can do right now.

The girls nod and huddle together under the blanket, making a space for their father to join in.

“Okay, let’s see… Once upon a time, there was a robot so kinds and so beautiful that the stars shone a little brighter when he walked under them.”

“Who’s that?”

“That’s Connor, you silly.”

He can see their lips curl up and the sight makes him lose about one pound of the weight he has to carry.

“And all the people in the land vied for his attention. But one person held so much affection for him, that none could compare and the robot had no choice but to grow close tho the raggedy man who would not give up on pursuing him. As time went on, the two of them became a proper family and eventually welcomed two pretty princesses into their home.”

“Is that us?”

“Obviously, princess Annie.”

They giggle and his heart is about to implode on itself. 

“But one of those who were left ignored by the handsome robot wasn’t satisfied with the current state of events and planned its cruel revenge. It was a creature most vile and despicable, not afraid to do anything to have the robot for itself. It stalked his every move, waiting for the right opportunity to strike. One day, the vile creature succeeded. When no one was looking, it kidnapped the robot and ran away with him far, far away. And because it was so very large and so incredibly fast no one was able to stop it.”

The wide eyes focusing on his every word almost make him want to cut the story short and put them to sleep, but he owes the girls something that could manage to calm them down, at least for tonight.

“It took the robot to its secluded abode, locking him to a room the creature had prepared for him. But it didn’t want him out of malice or because of its evil nature, it just simply fell in love with the robot and was compelled to stay in his proximity. It didn’t treat him badly, but still, it did hurt him terribly. For the robot was denied the most important things in the world – freedom, and mainly, his family, who suffered tremendously from the loss of the person who lit up their lives. But they never gave up their hope, believing that the day would come when they would be reunited once more.”

“So how did it end? Was the robot saved in the end?” The younger one looks like she’s five seconds from slipping into dreamland, but her curiosity never relents.

“I… I don’t know. Maybe the raggedy man should go and defeat the despicable creature in order for the story to have a happy ending. What do you think?”

“Hmmm, I think he has to. The princesses are strong enough to take care of themselves and they would want to do anything to have both of their parents home again, no matter how long it takes.” He doesn’t doubt it. There are people who would be willing to look after the kids in his absence - friends, colleagues, his brother if there were no other options.

He kisses their foreheads and tucks them in tightly, praying for a better tomorrow.

Maybe he should take the risk and help with the search. Maybe he’s the missing piece of the puzzle of finding out what really happened to Connor. And if it the worst came to pass, Gavin wants to be the one to put his hand on the most vile and despicable creature that snuffed their light out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annie and Ellie, aka our dogs (one of them no longer alive), ....so original xD
> 
> I'm sorry but sometimes I really need sadness like this, reminds me how good I have it :D
> 
> I promise I'll try to write a proper closure to this one of these days 
> 
> thank you for spending your time here ♥  
> have an awesome Friday!!! (and other days too, I guess :D)


	18. Where have you been all this time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin gets his wish but something is still missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the third part of “the sun, the moon and all the stars, direct sequel to “creature most vile and despicable”  
> (sorry i'm late xD)

At first, Gavin doesn’t notice the soft knocking, as he’s busy being hypnotised by the steam rising from the scalding coffee, not caring about the unbearable heat that he has submitted his palms to, just because he needs at least a small fracture of comfort. He didn’t get enough sleep last night, since the girls’ rest is always a bigger priority than his own. Always making sure they’re not suffering inside their dreams, even if his abilities can’t reach this far. It doesn’t work often, but sometimes, he gets lucky. Maybe the bed-time story helped or maybe they were just too tired to be bothered by some pointless nightmares. Still, Gavin hasn’t slept since this hell started, despite succeeding in providing the blessed escape to his children. That’s why when he does hear something unusual, he contributes it to his fuzzy brain that has tendencies to imagine things that aren’t there. Only when he realises it won’t stop, that it’s too loud and too distinct to be a hallucination, he goes to the door with a deep breath stuck in his throat. He can just about see a silhouette painfully familiar not to put his hopes way too high. And when he turns the lock and lets the visitor in, he can’t even see him properly through the tears. But it doesn’t matter, because the one thing he wanted more than life itself has come true.

Connor is back. Not a mirage, not an illusion, not his depraved mind’s wishful thinking. He’s here, in flesh and blood, not a limb missing. The light of his life has finally returned home. He doesn’t wait a second more and takes him in his arms, needing the last reassurance that this is indeed a reality. It reminds him of how much he missed the stupid android, how much he dreamed of this moment. He could die like this, whole and complete.

They fall to the ground and hold onto each other for what might have been five minutes or an hour, he can’t really tell. When they separate, Gavin takes a good look at Connor to see if he can get a single answer from his features before they get to the inevitable part – him asking what happened all worryingly and Connor explaining the atrocities he had to endure while he was trapped somewhere or worse. But there is the other option, the one he hasn’t dared to consider. Connor might have left willingly, needing space for himself and thought it best to not let anyone know. But in spite of making this awful theory, he doesn’t believe his husband is the kind of person who would do something this outrageous, under any circumstances. Besides, they have been happy, truly and undeniably so. He could feel it in his bones, in the gentle gestures and all the untamed laughter. Though that only confirms that someone hurt Connor, kept him somewhere against his will, and he can imagine a million cruel things being done to him that make him want to scream. So he prays that no matter how improbable it might sound, it was Connor’s own decision to disappear for a while.

He immediately knows that it’s not the case when he notices at the unnatural paleness on Connor’s face, the way his face falls on itself, trying to put an end to the tears. The spinning red on his temple betraying that something is horribly wrong. He whispers a comforting “I love you” to him and leads him into the living room so he can make a sense of what really happened to him.

The shaken android desperately leans to him, refusing any distance between them. So Gavin places a finger over the blaring LED ring, drawing soothing circles as if that would make it turn blue.

“Where have you been all this time?” The question is quiet, uncertain, like he doesn’t really want to hear the story. But he has to, because it burns in his chest - the fact that he has no clue of what Connor went through, that he can’t take it back and make it go away as if putting a band-aid on a scraped knee. It doesn’t work like that, he’ll probably carry it with him for the rest of his life.

“I… I don’t know.” Okay, this is unexpected. “My memory has been corrupted. Someone must have tampered with my system.” Gavin can hear how much this hurts him through the tremble in his voice, the sadness engraved in his face. This doesn’t make this situation all that much better. Who knows what they could have done to him, what’s even possible when Connor is one of the most advanced androids in the world.

Gavin connects their hands, not sure what he can do to help.

“I’m sorry.” It should be him who says it, not the other way around. He’s suddenly overwhelmed by fear, afraid of what hides behind the three words.

“They didn’t erase just the three weeks, Gavin. There is so much I can’t remember.” Connor looks at him with utter guilt written all over him, acting like all of this is his fault.

“I… I can’t recall how this all began, or how long have we been together, stuff like that. All details of my life have been blurred out. But it’s only the information, never the feeling. No one can ever touch those.” This revelation stings, it cuts deeps inside his heart, but the joy of having Connor back is insurmountably larger, able to alleviate this fresh ghost of pain.

Because in the end, it’s not all that important. They are surrounded by their past, the proof of it is the home they have built together. Every single item is full of memories Gavin can share with him anew. All the photos and the little trinkets commemorating every significant occurrence are still here and will be for as long as this house stands. What is lost can sometimes be discovered again. And it’s not like won’t take him to a repair centre the soonest he’s able to let go of him. Maybe they’ll be able to fix him there. And even if not, Connor is still Connor, the lovable idiot he can’t live without. 

“Gavin… do we… do we have children?”

So that’s the next few hours figured. After all, the girls have missed him as much as Gavin has, and it would kill them to know that their favourite parent doesn’t even remember their names anymore.

But they will make this work like they managed to solve all the other issues they encountered before coming so far. It’s just a hitch in their happily ever after, and as long as they’re alive, nothing can break them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn't deny myself to grasp the opportunity of this title, I swear it wasn't planned xD  
> I make all of these stories as I go, so that might explain their dubious quality :D
> 
> idk if this story is over yet, we'll see 
> 
> thanks again for reading this mess ♥♥  
> have amazing weekends, all of them :D


	19. It's happening again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The usual tale of Gavin not being able to handle his feelings.

It’s fucking happening again. Gavin can still taste the bitter taste of rejection when he recalls how stupid and naïve he was the time he acted on his feelings back when they were directed at Hank. So maybe it was so long ago that half of his scars didn’t yet exist when it happened, but it still makes him want to end himself just due to the sheer embarrassment of it. And yes, he was aware that the lieutenant was married and had a child, but back then it wasn’t a reason enough to stop going for what he desired. But he should have known better. Perhaps then he would still be brave enough to make the same mistake twice.

He did have to go and fall for the local smartass, that’s just something that he does, apparently. Always choosing people who are way out of his league. But is it really a surprise when the fucking android looks like someone has invaded his dreams and created the bot according to what he finds most desirable in a man? No, it would be unreasonable to expect him to regard Connor as any other colleague of his, organic or artificial. But he’s not sure of what to do, whether to pretend these feelings are not real or if should make Connor hate him even more so he can have an excuse to ignore them. It’s always the latter. He rarely goes for something that would require a substantive amount of effort. It doesn’t mean that it will be easy, though. He doesn’t want to be mean to Connor, not after all the shit he’s done to him already. The apology is stuck on the tip of his tongue, unable to get any further. Because he doesn’t like being seen as a good person, since it’s not who he is. There is nothing shiny hidden under the dirt he displays, no hidden gems waiting to be uncovered. Even he has a hard time living with himself, so there’s no way someone as beautiful as Connor would be happy with the pile of mess that is Gavin Reed.

“Hey dipshit, you frozen or something?” The android has been stuck in the same place looking at the same picture for at least twenty minutes. It’s not like he’s been counting, but he always notices Connor’s actions, no matter how mundane they might appear. This is not one of them though. He tries to convince himself that the knot in the pit of his stomach is not a worry, that it’s just the annoyance Connor exudes everywhere he goes. But he could never lie to himself, it’s not a skill he has ever been able to pick up.

And Connor doesn’t move, his LED the colour of the feelings he’s trying to bury. He glances on the screen in front of him to find out what might have broken him. But then he freezes too when the image’s implication becomes clear.

There is a dissembled android body, limbs arranged into a symbol he doesn’t recognise. The centrepiece is a sight too familiar for comfort though. Because it’s Connor, or at least his head. A message sent to threaten or intimidate or worse – a warning of what’s coming. It delivers a shockwave through his body, and what washes out is a determination.

Determination to prevent this from happening to the real Connor.

“I’m sorry.” The android turns to face him, showing him an undeniably human expression of fear.

“Me too.” He doesn’t mean to say, it slips away on its own. But it’s wrong, Connor deserves a proper apology, if nothing else. 

“Come with me for a while.” Gavin extends his hand to him, awaiting the oncoming rejection. But instead, he can feel something soft enveloping it and before he knows it they’re outside, standing amongst the thawing snow. 

It’s now or never. 

“I am sorry. For treating you like a piece of shit, for aiming a gun at you, for not believing that you’re a real person, for everything. I mean it.” He wishes it hurt a little less, that he had the strength to keep his cool. Since he’s doing it again, showing someone how vulnerable he can be, how easily he can fall apart. And he can’t make himself stop.

“And I’ll do everything to keep you from ending like the android in the picture. I don’t care what it takes, but I swear I…”

“You really do like me,” Connor has the audacity to chuckle. “I didn’t believe it when Hank told me, but guess there are many things I’m yet to learn about human nature.”

Of course, the old man would be able to read the meaning behind his antagonistic behaviour. It was the same when he had a crush on Hank all those years ago, after all.

But Connor hasn’t punched him in the face so far, so maybe it doesn’t have to end the same this time.

“Yeah so maybe I do. What are you gonna do about it?”

He shuts his eyes, anticipating the worst. His cheeks give away just how fast his heart beats without the need for any fancy scans.

What he gets is a small kiss on his forehead, something that he can’t remember ever receiving. A gesture so gentle it melts his heart away. He won’t be able to let go after this, which makes the situation so much graver. And yet, he loves it.

There is finally a concrete purpose for him to follow. To make Connor his, and most importantly, to make sure he stays alive.

So maybe there is something worthwhile inside of Gavin after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my inspiration is running dry xD
> 
> idk I don't want to deviate too much from the default setting and there is only so much you can do in a span of 1000 words ....or maybe I'm just stupid :D
> 
> anyway, thanks for reeding ♥
> 
> have a nice Sunday


	20. sometimes you win, sometimes you lose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina finds a new way of defeating boredom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dared to deviate from my norm xD

Tina has a problem. Not one that impacts her life all that enormously, but still, it frustrates her to no end. It’s a matter of pride more than anything else, and that tends to cut deep. 

She watches as Connor pours an unhealthy amount of sugar into a cup that she knows is meant for her favourite rat friend. And that’s just the thing. The two of them are supposed to hate each other to the point of ending their temporary partnership, which was only assigned to them because Hank decided to go travel the world for a month with his new (and coincidentally very rich) girlfriend. 

Because Tina’s money is at stake. She has been making a lot of it through the bets she has started mainly due to needing a distraction from her less then satisfactory personal life. But as time went on, it has turned into a secondary income of sorts. It’s not only about Connor and all his office relationships, but other colleagues have become the victims of her game as well. She has bet Ben that Chris won’t be able to go one day without showing anyone photos of his newborn son, that Hank will shave before his first date, little everyday things like that and she’s able to get enough cash to indulge on otherwise inaccessible luxuries, like candles and blankets. It’s thanks to her sharp people-watching skill rather than dumb luck, though she doesn’t let anyone know this. But the amount of people willing to participate in her bets has been slowly diminishing since it has become clear that Tina is rarely ever beaten, and she doesn’t like the idea of paying up instead of receiving her well-deserved reward. 

She was so sure they wouldn’t be able to go along, that they would drive each other crazy enough to convince Fowler to split them, that the amount of money she was willing to risk has never been larger. 

But the smile on Connor’s lips as he carries the cup to Gavin’s desk tells her that she might not profit this time. She follows him to see the reaction he receives, hoping the scalding liquid would be spilled on the android’s head or for some other charged display of rejection. What she gets is a bashful smile and a “thanks”, a word she wasn’t aware is in Gavin’s vocabulary. Something weird is going on between them. They look relaxed as they go over some details of their case, their bodies awfully close to be just a couple of men that don’t like each other all that much. Gavin doesn’t even flinch when Connor leans in too near, though his face is turning a shade redder. They don’t even seem to notice Tina’s blatant staring. She’s going to have a field day figuring out this strange behaviour. But now she’s too tired to do as much as to be surprised, it’s been a long shift and her energy isn’t a bottomless well.

The next day she decides to go and visit her lovely friend, for no reason at all. It’s late and that means Gavin should be at home, arguing with his cat over destroyed furniture or something fun like that. And she knows that he loves unannounced home-invasions, just like anyone does. So she knocks three times, refraining from abusing the key she’s been given in case of an emergency because she’s a good girl. But before her fist reaches the door, she can just about hear soft laughter coming from behind it. And it doesn’t sound like it belongs to Gavin.

The panicked noises and the footsteps followed by the signs of her intrusion are a dead giveaway that there is another guest currently being present in the house, and she has an inkling about who it might be.

Gavin looks flushed and dishevelled when he opens, like he just returned from a run. He studies her for a second with eyes that promise murder.

“What the phck do you want, Chen.” He only uses her surname when she does something that crosses the line. Not that it’s going to stop her. She’d do anything for some drama that would spice her otherwise boring life.

“I just wanted to give you my blessing, personally.” She barges in, too quick for Gavin to make an effort to thwart her entrance.

There is nothing in the living room to betray what she’s convinced is going on, but that too doesn’t discourage her in the slightest. Still, something is off about the place. If she only concentrates enough…

Tina is on the ground before she can realise what’s happening. A huge mass of fur is sitting on her incapacitated body and a wet tongue is treating her face like a most delicious ice cream. Then there is a cacophony of barking and yelling while she’s being rescued from the fluffy beast. By Connor.

She gives him a cheeky smile as he’s pulling her up, strangely pleased that her theory was right despite it meaning she’ll lose some hard-earned money.

“Good evening officer Chen, what are you doing here at this hour?”

“I could ask you the same.” She winks at him to show that there is no need for secrets here. “And it’s Tina.”

“How long have you known.” Gavin joins the conversation with something that looks like fear written all over him.

“About what?” The feigned innocence does nothing but aggravates the man further, which she doesn’t mind a bit.

“Come on…” Gavin sighs like she is bothering him. Unbelievable.

“That we are in a relationship.”

“Con! You didn’t have to say it out loud.”

Her eyes get wide and all the readily crafted words tumble away. She never thought it would be this serious, imagined that they were just messing around. Somehow this discovery makes her feel all light and happy like it’s her who found someone to love. Must be empathy, or that she likes her stupid friend enough to wish all the best for him. And they look great together too. Maybe she won’t blackmail them after all.

In the end, it’s her loss, but one obscured by a much greater victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope she soon finds someone or something to keep her happy :D
> 
> (this was strangely fun to write too xD)
> 
> thanks for readies ♥
> 
> have a nice life and remember   
> we are made of love


	21. the sympathy of undead things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They can't keep themselves safe for one minute I swear.

**Co** nnor dreams about it sometimes. Not like normal people do, that is one skill he hasn’t been able to master. Each night he is being presented a slideshow of all the key moments in his life. This means that he can’t avoid the image of a hole in his forehead, face screaming death or deactivation or something that should be permanent. But it wasn’t, he is still alive. Wasting space day by day, not willing to give up the gift of consciousness he’s been told to treasure. He stills feels like an anomaly, a thing that should be rotting in a scrapyard, not acting as just another detective with too much worry on his mind.

It’s all because his friend has been shot. Just like Connor was that awful day. A bullet sent straight into his forehead, aiming to kill. No one thought he would survive, many were of the opinion that he shouldn’t. Only Connor wasn’t able to lose hope, judging by his previous experience with near-death scenarios and the ingrown unwillingness to let go. 

There isn’t any spare body into which Gavin could transfer his soul, it doesn’t work like that with real human beings. He has only one chance for life, like it should be.

He remembers all the time they have spent together bickering while trying to get along, treating the memories like it’s the most precious thing in his world. Maybe it is, or one of the few he managed to gather in his short time on Earth. He makes himself think about him as a friend, like it would make their relationship more profound and the weight in his heart more explainable. The truth is they have just recently graduated from being enemies. Though he must admit that for their mutual distaste of each other, they seem to seek each other out, pretending that they want to bully one another. They do, but not because of the hatred that is between them. There is barely any, at least on Connor’s side. He just enjoys being around the irascible detective and he wishes it’s the other way around too. 

That’s why his absence hurts. Gavin might not be dead, but he’s hanging on the thread, one slip-up and he falls into the endless abyss of no return. Looking like he’s just asleep, having a rather unpleasant dream. Connor wonders if he can see it too, the moment someone decided that he shouldn’t exist anymore.

He has negotiated the right to stay beside him in the bleak hospital room, since not that many people care enough to pay the man a visit. Tina does, Hank tries, and the rest of them believes that showing a sad face counts as an effort. It feels like Connor is the most important person in Gavin’s life, no matter how ridiculous that might sound. Maybe there is something between them that he hasn’t been able to spot before. 

Because no one would be able to lug him out of there unless they were really, really strong. And even then he would put on a fight and probably win since he’s been made to surpass everyone. Not that he often can, but the pain coursing inside of him is a drive like none other.

The doctors said it would be a miracle if Gavin woke up, and a near impossibility not to have any signs of brain damage. But Connor still hopes, despite the odds and the impending doom that gets more potent the longer he stays there.

It’s raining today, the autumn weather being as unrelenting as ever. He’s seen people fighting against the wind for their umbrellas, sheltering their bodies with thick coats, and that makes him glad that he can’t feel the biting cold.

He always brings something with him, flowers or some kitschy trinket to cheer up the otherwise gloomy place. And then he opens the old book Hank gave him one day and reads to Gavin, wishing that his voice would break through to him one day. When he gets bored with the text in front of him, he talks. Connor tells him about all the mundane things he’s done throughout the day, about Sumo and his neverending supply of cuteness, and about the good things in the world he’s missing right now. The sound of raindrops hitting the glass window panes, the smell of wet mud, the comfort of hot tea, everything that the detective might never experience again.

Connor rarely cries, but this afternoon he doesn’t seem to ever stop.

He tries holding Gavin’s hand, peeling his skin away as if he hid a magical healing power underneath it. It has been a while since it all happened, but there is still some chance that this will have a happy ending. 

Gavin will wake up, he tells himself.

“Please wake up.” He whispers so that Gavin can hear.

It never works, but it’s nice to have that opportunity to try. That’s all he can do, just try.

Maybe all the failed attempts he has accumulated over his time here are the reason he doesn’t notice the change in the heart monitor and only when Gavin’s eyelids flicker his system freezes in shock.

He can’t tell what goes on next. There is a commotion of medical staff and he isn’t needed all of the sudden. The minutes that pass by while he waits for something that would take him out of this uncertain fog are just a blur. A whole night must have gone by before someone talks to him, informing him that Gavin is awake and capable of speech.

“A miracle,” they call it. It doesn’t matter. Some people just can’t be killed that easily, and that happens to be one of the attributes they share in common.

“Hey.”

Connor forces the tears forming in his eyes to stay put a little while longer, just so he doesn’t freak his friend out.

“Good morning.” He smiles and lets go of the resolve that made him refrain from crying.

“Somehow I knew it would be your pretty face I see first.” And Gavin can’t help himself too, not that he’d ever blame him.

“Tina is on her way, I called her.”

“Okay, thanks,” he says. “So, you come here often?” It’s strange how a simple smile can make him feel like walking on clouds.

“Yeah, some say I basically live here.”

“Do you plan on moving on, now when I’m alive?” The joking tone gets put aside to allow in something fearful. Like he’s afraid Connor would leave him after all the time he has invested into that stupid human.

“No, never.”

He extends his hand again, this time keeping his skin on as to show how similar they truly are. Gavin takes it like it’s his lifesaver, squeezing it so tight Connor is thankful he doesn’t have real bones.

“Okay. Good.” 

There is no way he’ll ever let go of Gavin now that he found him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> even fried eggs are smarter than my brain :D sorry for being self-critical that's something I can't shake no matter what xD
> 
> only 9 days to go, hurray :D (I'm sick of self-inforced responsibilities xD)
> 
> thank you for bothering with this :D ♥ ♥
> 
> have a great year :D


	22. god knows I'm trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has indirectly coerced Gavin into behaving like a decent human being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I'm late again xD  
> also this is a sequel to story no.23, which will be published soon

Gavin has made a promise. Not to anyone special, not one that holds great meaning, only a silly vow to his old self. He has decided to become a person who’s just a little bit better, a little more deserving. It’s all Connor’s doing, he can’t go about denying that. But there’s something more behind it, something he can’t yet put his finger on. Maybe he has gone a smidge crazy over the past week. But it’s all been worthy because the pain in his chest has been replaced with something soft, something he’s too afraid to call hope.

When he came to work this morning, he received a greeting from a few people who usually don’t even bother looking at him, including Connor. It still feels surreal to him, being able to talk to the android without the need for antagonism. They are yet to have a proper conversation with each other, but beggars can’t be choosers, and he’s grateful for the small victory he’s earned. He could make this work. Perhaps soon he won’t have to fake those smiles anymore.

It has been easy to fall into a routine of burying himself in work and not acting like an asshole whenever the opportunity arises. All it takes is a hefty dose of effort a day and he’s good to go. He would never put himself so far out of his element if it wasn’t for the reward of having a nice chat with his favourite android almost on a daily basis. These small talks help him to learn things he’s never realised he wants to know about Connor. Like that he is staying at Hank’s because he fell in love with the old St Bernard and because the lieutenant feels like he owes Connor something, or that he really enjoys people-watching, creating a story in his mind for those who stand out to him.

“What about me?” he asks him once when he feels comfortable enough to hear the answer.

“I always thought that you’re more than what you allow others to see… or I wanted to believe that, for some reason.” Connor’s lips curl up and he swears that a swarm of butterflies invites his stomach. He doesn’t admit it to himself yet, but it seems that being friends with the android is never going to be enough for him.

“So… is there something in me worth digging for?” It’s ridiculous how nervous he gets every time they’re this close.

“The probability is high, or that’s what my calculations are saying.” And he fucking winks at Gavin, like he wants him to get a heart attack.

He has been fighting with his emotions from that point on, every new word they exchange, every accidental touch, every kindness he receives from that plastic menace is making it more and more difficult to hold himself back. And he is not sure what he should do about it. If only there was a way to find out whether Connor feels the same or not. His courage is just not that advanced, yet. 

Gavin looks at the little succulent on Connor’s desk that he gave him one day as a thank you for helping with the endless heap of paperwork he almost drowned in if it wasn’t for Connor. It’s not only that, though. He’s grateful for basically being forced to reduce his vileness, for everything good that has been born because of it.

It has cut away from him a lot, and there are days when he can’t bear it and slips up, puts the ugly back on display. But even then, he still tries. He tries so that Connor will like him, he tries for the sake of the little scrawny boys who had his world destroyed by an evil man pretending to be his father. It’s still there, the light, the shining star, deep inside of him, hidden behind the countless layers of dirt meant to protect. He feels pathetic for letting it settle all those years, for not meeting someone who would nudge him in the right direction earlier. That’s why he won’t waste this chance, no matter how it might end up.

Today is one of the days he finds himself in a good mood, carefree enough to hum if he wouldn’t combust from humiliation for so much as exhibiting positive spirit. He bites down the smile forming on his lips and grabs for the steaming cup of coffee that is bound to properly wake him up. If he’s lucky. He puts it to his mouth when a hand on his shoulder interrupts his morning ritual. There wasn’t anyone in the break room when he entered, and he’s still not the most sought-after company, so it means it must be the mechanical dork since his only other friend is most likely at home sleeping. He turns around, expecting a familiar face, but instead he’s being greeted by the last person he ever wants speak with. Or see. Ever.

“I hear someone is getting a bit soft.” Detective Gardner, the man who broke his wrist once because he didn’t like something Gavin said or the way he looked at him is standing right in front of him, like an apparition from his nightmares. It was more than ten years ago, but he remembers it as if it happened just yesterday. He thought that bastard would get fired back then, but when is anything fair in this world.

“What the phck are you doing here?” On one hand, he’s so angry that he should stop talking to him, but on the other one his curiosity demands answers and he’s too restless to ignore it.

“One of my boys fucks around with the guy your lieutenant and his pet robot so desperately want to catch, so you know how it goes.”

He can’t believe he’s about to defend the android, how the tables have turned.

“Connor is not his phcking pet… or anyone’s”

Of course this maniac still has a job, that’s just how things are in his life. He’s just glad he isn’t the one in charge of that case.

“Oh I see how it is, you’d like a piece of that twink ass for yourself. That’s why you act like a little bitch lately.”

“That’s not-“

Fortunately, Gavin doesn’t have a chance to finish that sentence.

“I think your presence isn’t needed here, detective Gardner. I advise you to leave if you value your bone structure.”

He’s never wished to find himself in a situation where he had to be saved by Connor, but he isn’t about to complain about it too.

“Who do you think you are you piece of-“

“I am the man who can break both of your legs without batting an eye.”

The android leans to the rude detective and squeezes his shoulder a little bit too hard, making the man flinch with pain and fear, Gavin hopes. Was Connor always this hot or is the tension messing with his perception? He’ll have to look into that later. 

After a few seconds of silent glaring, they are finally left alone.

The tension dissipates, but his chest is still heavy. 

“You can stop now if you want, you know.”

Connor pierces him with a gaze so sincere it makes his heart hurt.

“Stop what?”

“Trying.”

“Nah, I’m good.”

He’s got so used to it over the past weeks he can’t imagine ever returning to his old, callous ways.

“It’s not only him, Gavin. Sometimes I overhear people gossiping about you, saying awful things that you don’t deserve.”

Yeah, like that’s new.

“So what, if their favourite past-time is shit-talking about me I’m not gonna go and ruin it for them. Sides, I have a super-strong terminator to protect me from all harm, so...”

He tries to give him a wink like Connor has done before. Obviously, he hasn’t been gifted with such charm, so he just blinks at him instead.

And Connor laughs.

He’s truly about to lose it.

“That was nothing.”

Somehow they’re standing really close to each other now, and there are is only so much restraint Gavin has in him.

“It was everything.”

Maybe he will try to make their relationship into something more beautiful too. And a little kiss doesn’t seem like a bad way to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't life, so schedules have no meaning to me xD
> 
> really having a terrible time trying to concentrate on anything, sorry my mind is not healthy xD
> 
> hope you enjoyed ☻ thanks for reading ♥
> 
> have a nice everything


	23. look at me, I exist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin seems to be invisible to Connor, and he's not all that happy about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's the prequel to 22 - god knows I'm trying  
> sorry for being confusing xD

“It’s your own fault, you know that… right?” She looks at him like it’s the thousandth time they go over this topic without getting closer to any resolution. It probably is. Tina has every right to be fed up with him, considering that even he can hardly stand his own ceaseless whining.

And she’s right, it’s all Gavin’s fault, but not exclusively. Connor is to blame too, he thinks. It’s like the android is deliberately trying to frustrate him. Not that Gavin deserves to be treated with any amount of kindness, but even retribution should have its limit. Yes, he might have relented to his fury and probably hurt Connor with his then anti-android mindset, topping it off by aiming a gun at him. He wonders if he really intended to shoot or if it was just a display of intimidation. It wouldn’t change the fact he messed up, nor the harsh reality that it was the last time Connor spoke to him.

Since the android returned back to work at their department, he has managed to befriend almost everyone here. Everyone except Gavin. It would be easier if Connor showed some kind of animosity toward him, a little bit of justified revenge. But there is nothing. It’s like Gavin stopped existing to him. He gets no other acknowledgement other than when it’s absolutely necessary for their professional life. And even then he’s treated more like a placeholder rather than a real human being.

The absolute worst thing about this is that Gavin hasn’t had the guts to say anything to him. At first, he lied to himself that he doesn’t mind all that much, that it’s only fair. But after observing all the good that Connor does around him, all the seeds of kindness he plants to the people he interacts with, it has begun to hurt. The ache spreading in his chest like cancer, affecting all aspects of his life. He doesn’t know where it really came from, only that he can’t get rid of it, not by himself at least.

That’s why he started bothering his only true friend with it, in a desperate need to make it disappear. Tina only tells him what he has been aware of since the day he realised that soul isn’t defined by its vessel. (It took some excruciating self-reflection, but in the end, his brain accepted it as the truth.)

He should… no, he must apologise. He needs Connor to see the other part of him that isn’t as callous and rotten, if he can find it. For his peace of mind if not anything else.

“Yeah,” he sighs as a sliver of hope pops into his heart. “I guess I’ll try talking to him then.”

“I think you’re like two months too late, but you know what they say.” He should buy Tina a gift for being this patient with him, if he doesn’t forget by the time he’ll be over with his agony.

-

It’s not easy to get a hold of Connor when he’s not in anyone else’s vicinity. It’s like he’s being perpetually guarded, like they know Gavin is about to make a move and therefore they’re set on protecting him no matter how innocuous such a move might be.

But he strikes lucky one day, catching Connor alone in one of the observation rooms. He doesn’t notice Gavin at first, or he’s pretending not to, as is his habit. So he clears his throat, mostly out of nervousness, because he knows that it won’t have any effect on the adamant android.

“Can we talk,… please?” His voice strains with the last word as if it cut his tongue and filled his mouth with blood. He can almost sense it, the poison that makes him want to retreat.

Nothing. No response.

The fucking android doesn’t even deign to look at him.

“Fine. Okay.” He takes a deep breath, a small chance to change his mind. But he doesn’t.

“I’m sorry. I genuinely am, so can you stop acting like I don’t exist.”

Silence, again. It makes his hair rise with how frustrated this makes him. His past mistakes, the lack of redemption, the wall that stands them between them, it all cumulates and creates an explosion inside his mind. One that drives him further than before.

“Can you at least look at me, C- Connor.” He doesn’t really want to be seen right now. If there was a hole he’d bury himself in it, but there is no going back from this now.

So obviously that’s when Connor decides to listen to him. His soft eyes widening when they catch sight of the ugly tears on his cheeks.

“I can’t forgive you. Not like this.” The android shakes his head in what could be disgust and leaves the small room before Gavin realises what’s happening. 

So that went splendidly. Why is he even trying?

Because he can’t go on living like this.

“Not like this.”

Maybe he should show some effort, maybe the android needs something more tangible than just a phrase.

And so Gavin grinds his teeth and attempts to do some good deeds here and there. He brings in donuts for his colleagues, he talks to everyone without snide remarks, he curbs his insults and even tries apologising to Hank for not respecting him as he should. Every time he catches Connor looking his way, he conjures up a semi-sincere smile, begging for some kind of appreciation so this torture can stop. He hates being a good person, it doesn’t suit him. Even Tina has been laughing at him since he reinstalled his personality. It’s not always bad, something he gets a hint of satisfaction for making someone’s day better, but he forgets fast, the ache overshadowing any potential pleasure.

Because nothing has changed, he’s still see-through in Connor’s eyes.

A week passes and he’s five minutes from quitting when the robobitch finally recognises his endeavours and leads him in the same room where this ridiculous act has begun.

Connor sits him down and regards him with an almost mischievous expression.

“Well, that was certainly fun.” His tone is warm and friendly and Gavin doesn’t understand what’s going on anymore.

...

“What?”

“Payback.” The menace chuckles and Gavin can’t decide whether he wants to punch him or kiss him.

He chooses to remain still and speechless instead. His brain is not to be trusted right now.

“You are forgiven, Gavin.” Connor places a hand on his shoulder and it makes him feel relieved. Or maybe it is the three words he has longed to hear all this time that are to be thanked for the lightness inside him.

“And if you behave, I’ll stop ignoring you as well.”

A great incentive, if there ever was any.

He thinks he’ll give it a try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like saying "sorry" would be enough for Connor xD in some universes, maybe. but not here :D
> 
> hope someone still reads these :D thanks so much if you do ♥♥♥
> 
> have a wonderous night !


	24. Sticks and stones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has a brother who likes experimenting on androids and other non-human things, and his next victim is none other than Gavin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my first reverse AU ever ~

**“L** ook at it, It’s just a dumb police bot, it’s not gonna tell anyone. Not after I’m done with it anyway.”

His brother can be a cruel thing sometimes, but Connor thinks that this time it’s only because he doesn’t know that they’re dealing with a deviant. 

The android tries to keep it a secret for fear that he gets deactivated, Connor thinks. He has been trained to observe human behaviour and make assumptions based on what someone’s body language says, and deviants are as close to real people as something can get. He’d like to believe that what they’re feeling is real, even if it makes their situation that more tragic. But there’s something special about this android… person, something that makes him want to protect him from Niles’s inhumane treatment. Maybe it’s the scar on his nose, making him look a little more authentic, a bit more like a person with a real past. 

But how can it be deemed inhumane if his target is not a human? That’s the reasoning his brother has fed him with ever since the creation of the first artificial existence advanced enough to be easily mistaken for something living. The one thing preventing him from fully ending these mad escapades. 

“Do you have a name?” The android still acts like he isn’t here at all, like this doesn’t concern him.

“It’s Gavin.” Connor isn’t afraid to admit that he knows his name, he isn’t the one who his brother likes to punish. “That’s what they call him anyway.”

Although there are some scars on his body that Niles could be blamed for. Maybe not directly, he’d never hurt Connor like that, but he would never have to wear them if he was strong enough to say no to his sick ventures. There is a beast living inside of his brother, and it shows its ugly head more often than he’d prefer. Maybe it’s a bit fortunate that he doesn’t have to rely on human beings in order to satisfy his compulsions. Not that it makes any of this okay.

They have lead Gavin into one of the empty rooms in the department’s basement, in order to test what a certain type of corrosive substance will do with the material of which androids are made, stripping the android of his shirt to make Niles’s work easier. It’s a wonder that his brother is even able to keep his job as a lab technician at all, considering all his transgressions. It suits him perfectly though, he’s always been interested in analysing things and deconstructing them before putting them back together ever since they were small. Trying out his weird experiments on insects and electrical devices just because he couldn’t deny the itch inside of him. He figures that Niles just can’t fight the power that dictates his unsavoury behaviour, or that he doesn’t want to. It’s most likely the latter. Connor has often been there making sure his action don’t go too far, policing his misdeeds while confirming that his brother is aware of the harm he’s doing.

Like now. He can see the fear in Gavin’s eyes, despite his effort to appear as machine-like as he possibly can in this situation. But if Connor speaks up, he will reveal his beliefs regarding artificial existence, and he isn’t ready to have that conversation with Niles, not now and definitely not here.

So he lets it happen. Connor watches as the substance burns through the skin on Gavin’s bare arm, singeing the white shell, but not enough to create a hole in his chassis, just a large spot resembling a burn mark. The android doesn’t even flinch when the rest of it gets poured onto his torso, painting his chest the bleak colour of ash.

“There you go, you fucking piece of rotten plastic.”

It’s starting to seep inside of him, and Connor doesn’t dare to imagine the consequence of this particularly merciless test. And since Niles has a way to make androids disappear without a trace, or conjure up a perfectly reasonable excuse for their damage if it came to that, Connor is the only one who has the potential to stop this, before the anger takes over his brother entirely.

“Why don’t you kill me already you sick phck.”

Or so he thought.

“Ooh look, it can talk!” Niles grips his jaw, making Gavin look straight at him. “And it has quite the way with words too.” He lets go of him in disgust, menacingly stepping away from him and Connor is too stunned to do anything.

“You want death you fucking deviant? Well guess what, you won’t get it.” There is a vicious smile forming on Nile’s face, one that Connor is way too familiar with. He must talk him out of it somehow, or he’ll have to carry the guilt of letting this happen for the rest of his life.

“Things that are not alive can’t die, you-“

“Enough!” It’s a little louder than he expected, but it fulfils its purpose so he doesn’t care. “It’s been enough, Niles.” His voice gets little softer, like he’s trying to calm a feral animal. He can feel the sweat on his forehead, reminding him just how unnecessarily terrified he is. His brother might be unpredictable, but he’s still part of him, and Niles usually listens to his older sibling, out of love or obligation Connor can’t be really sure, but it’s enough that he’s able to exude some kind of authority over him, no matter the reason behind it.

Niles seems like he’s struggling with himself, judging by the absent look and the heavy breathing, so there’s still a chance to turn him around, at least for this moment.

“Who do you think you’re-“ Gavin slumps against the wall, his voice laden with heavy static. He can’t help but feel sorry for the android.

“I am a friend.” It would be a shame to let him die like that. He’ll do anything in his might to save him, Connor decides. It’s his responsibility, or so he feels like.

“Can you fix him,” he asks Niles with the most serious tone he can summon. 

“No, I don’t-”

“Do you know someone who can.”

“Maybe.”

Connor can sense something heavy in the air, like the conscience that Niles has been running away from has finally caught up with him.

He should have done this a long time ago.

“Just call them and leave. I’ll cover for you.”

“What about…” He nudges his head Gavin’s direction, refusing to properly look at him.

“He won’t tell, I’ll make sure of that.”

Connor waits until the call gets through and then goes to Gavin, checking for a sign that he’s still alive. His LED is still fiery red, which is a good omen, in this case at least.

“You’re going to be fine, I promise.”

The android lifts up his glistening eyes that convey all his doubt toward that statement.

“Liar.” It’s barely discernible among the static, but the word still manages to cut deep.

“I promise I’ll try my best to help you, whether you like it or not. How about that?”

Connor gets a hint of a smile for this one, a seed that makes his determination grow tenfold.

He will keep this promise at all costs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooo i struggled with this one so much you have no idea xD
> 
> it's weird and probably needs a sequel, but it's a thing 
> 
> thanks for reading ♥~♥ 
> 
> have a nice weekend


	25. How did we end up like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two soft idiots can't feelings

He’s cold, frozen to the bone, and not only because the weather has been very inclement lately. The city around him looks just a little greyer than usual, and he can’t stand the emptiness it conveys, like he’s drowning in a bottomless sea. Gavin can’t seem to realise that it’s all coming mostly from within him, that the crushing feeling inside his chest has been caused by an absence of one certain thing. He misses the one person who is able to make him smile without even trying, but he’s too cowardly to admit it, not to himself and not to the one who deserves to hear it the most. It shouldn’t hurt this much, it shouldn’t turn the raindrops into tears. And he still doesn’t see the reason why it does.

He has been coming home alone for the past few years, it’s not something out of the ordinary he cab lament about, but recently there were times he had a company with him, one that wasn’t expected to stay long. Connor has always been attractive to him, he can’t deny that. At first, their encounters were limited to stay within the boundaries of his dreams, but after they grew to tolerate each other, he found out that the android has some new equipment he’d like to test and one thing led to another… It’s been three months since they began sleeping together and three days since they decided to stop - not that they are very good at keeping that promise. Something draws them together, and Gavin is afraid that it’s not a mere lust anymore. Because when he’s alone like this, he remembers that what they have is virtually nothing and it hurts. Connor doesn’t belong to him, he can’t ask for anything that isn’t physical. And he thinks he really needs it now, the comfort Connor provides.

Every time he passes a couple holding hands his heart sinks a little lower, and it’s strange because it’s not something he’s ever wanted. Yet it’s all he can think about right now. He imagines how it would feel to kiss Connor without it being sexual, if he could bear touching him without getting too close, just enough to feel his presence. They haven’t talked about their arrangement much, always been avoiding it as if putting it into words would somehow make it heavier, and therefore more meaningful.

It’s like they would burn if either one of them admitted that they cared about each other more than it’s deemed safe. It’s not out of shame, at least not for him, the fear that keeps them at a distance is at blame here. Every time Gavin let someone in, it backfired on him, leaving him bitter and heartbroken. He doesn’t think he could handle it with Connor. The stupid android is the best one of them yet, and perhaps that’s why he’s treating him like a piece of flesh. 

When he opens the door to his apartment, nothing but darkness greets him. And at this point, he’s shivering, craving just a small amount of warmth. He can’t live like this, not since he’s fallen so deep already and the strength to climb out is nowhere to be found.

He clutches the phone in his hands like it’s the thing that’s going to save him. But he has to do it by himself this time, relying on the flow of events around him does not often result in what he desires, that has been proven to him times and times already.

The dial tone is particularly appalling to his ears tonight, especially since every new ring puts a fresh layer of anxiety on his trembling soul.

But then Connor picks up and it gets even worse, to the point where he can’t recall ever feeling this nervous.

“Do you want me to come?”

Gavin nods like the idiot he is because his voice might betray his brokenness.

He whispers a single “please” and immediately hangs up, already regretting his actions.

How did he allow their relationship to come to this, or more accurately how did he think this was going to end when his heart has been set on that one person since the beginning. What an utter loser.

The minutes drag on, and he starts thinking that Connor has changed his mind when there is a knock on the door, one that he’s very familiar with.

He leaps to his feet at the sound, like a dog overjoyed to welcome his master back home. Connor doesn’t even have the chance to properly enter when he starts kissing him with an intensity suggesting they haven’t seen each other in a very long time. In reality, it’s been just a couple of hours, though to Gavin it seems more like an eternity.

They wind up in the bedroom, of course they do. He doesn’t have enough self-control to hold himself back when it comes to the unlawfully beautiful android. But it doesn’t bother him, since he has never felt this good with anyone before. He’s so blissed out he doesn’t even have the energy to pretend that he doesn’t want to curl up to Connor, that he doesn’t want to kiss him tenderly for the first time ever. And so he does both of those things and then some more.

The fact that Connor doesn’t argue or seem at all reluctant just fuels the ache in his chest, tempting him to share it so it won’t swallow him whole.

“How did we end up like this, Gavin.” A soft whisper straight into his ear and he’s five seconds away from melting completely.

“I don’t know, but I like it.”

“When I asked if we could stop a few days ago, I didn’t mean to end what we already have. I wanted to stop acting like it doesn’t mean anything. But we rarely manage to talk properly, so I didn’t have a chance to let you know. And that’s a shame on its own.”

“You’d like to risk it with me? Are you sure?” His whole body must be shaking because Connor’s hold on him gets a bit tighter. He listens to the mechanical whirr the chest under him is buzzing with, becoming slightly concerned as it gets louder.

“Pretty much. I… don’t know much about love, but maybe the thing I feel towards you it’s just that, or somewhere close. And... I don’t want to waste it.” Gavin has never seen an LED light glow this brightly. It’s like his own personal blue sky that gives him all the joy the universe can offer.

“Wow, that’s… “ He tries to tame the tears with little success. “I love you too, just so you know.” 

With that, the ache turns into something much more pleasant, and he’s glad that for once he allowed himself to be brave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am finally caught up, what a joy xD  
> now I shall pass out
> 
> anyways this is one of my favourite little stories so far, it gives me the feelies ohoho
> 
> i am not comfortable writing anything explicit, even kisses put me through a hard time like I don't have the right to even go there xD 
> 
> thanks if you read this ♥♥♥  
> enjoy your free time to the fullest !


	26. So happy, I could die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has almost everything that makes one a happy person, so why does he feel like he's drowning inside his own mind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: not really happy stuff below

Connor is a very happy person. He has everything one could ever need – a stable job, a semi-dysfunctional family and one huge slobbering dog. There is nothing to complain about, nothing that would make his life uncomfortable. His kind has been given all the rights and freedom one such as them could ever ask for, all odds are in the favour of them integrating into the society with the status of being equal. He has made many acquaintances on both sides, some of which he dares to call friends. There is a roof over his head, a place to call home, even if he thinks he doesn’t need it.

Connor is happy. Or he’s supposed to be. He goes over all the good things that happened to him in his head every night before shutting down, reminding himself of all the nice words he’s received, all the positive aspects of him being alive. He repeats the phrase “I’m happy” to himself for as long as he can withstand it before it turns to something awful and volatile, a curse rather than a blessing. Every time he tries to take it back and make it become a phrase meant to cheer him up it breaks him a little. He’s been doing it for months now, and there are only so many times his soul can bear that kind of damage. It’s been months and months of Connor lying to himself that he’s doing great, that there is nothing missing that would make his existence more tolerable. That it’s never going to get any better, so he should as well enjoy what he has now before it all crumbles in front of him.

He doesn’t know why he feels so tragically empty, why he can’t stop seeing himself as an imitation of a real person. He doesn’t try to figure out the cause, since all his energy goes to pretending that everything is fine, that he doesn’t preconstruct all the means of deactivating his body when there’s nothing else going on inside his mind.

The only reason why he hasn’t gone through with it is because he’s scared, utterly terrified of death. But he also craves it, seeking it like it’s his adrenaline sport. Standing on roofs of tall building just a little closer to the edge than would be deemed safe, putting a gun to his temple when no one is watching, yet never once taking that one final step or pulling the trigger that would put him to rest.

Connor never actually does anything that would put him in lethal danger. Instead, he submits to the corrosive pain inside of him, letting it carry him through his days.

He’s thought nothing would ever change, at least not this soon, until the moment someone kissed him. But it wasn’t just someone and the kiss wasn’t just another vapid occurrence in his dull life.

It was detective Reed’s doing - the small bastard who thinks that he could hide his true feelings behind bullying and belligerence. He likes how wholly pathetic the irritable man’s behaviour truly is, it’s quite cute in his opinion. Like Reed’s supposed meanness could ever fool an advanced android such as himself, like their small strained conversations aren’t the highlight of Connor’s days. He’s not sure what he feels toward the man, if anything. Everything potentially pleasant is buried deep under the numbness that plagues his heart.

Despite all the signs Reed displays, Connor couldn’t imagine the detective actually acting on it, which has been just one of his many mistakes.

Because one of their heated chats in the vacant locker room somehow ended up in them making out like two secret lovers hiding from the rest of the world. It was nice, more than, but only while it lasted. The surprise of it, the closeness and all the fire that came with it made his mind temporarily blank in the best of ways. It was like he has lost his corporeal body and existed just as a concept, formless energy coursing into someone else’s mind, into a body that wasn’t tainted by the hideous beast that dwells inside of him.

When it ended, everything has become even worse. The vague taste of happiness still fresh enough to make him despise the fact that it doesn’t really belong to him, that he’ll never be free of his demons, even more.

That’s why he’s standing at the door to Gavin’s apartment, deciding whether he should knock or give up and leave because he doesn’t have a clear idea of what he’s going to do when he’s allowed in (if he’s allowed in.)

He turns around, dragging his feet from the closed entrance ever so tentatively, like he’s trying to convince himself that this isn’t the right choice. The further away he gets, the more he wants to see Gavin, and when he’s outside of the building (which he oh so unlawfully hacked into), he runs and runs until he’s back where he started.

But this time he knocks.

The head that peaks through the small crack between the door and the frame doesn’t suggest that he’s an awaited guest. But that’s isn’t all that shocking considering the inappropriate hour he chose to make some sort of a move toward what he has no idea about yet.

“Absolutely phcking not.” His voice is hoarse, his hair dishevelled, but it doesn’t look like the detective has been sleeping, judging not only by the speed at which he reacted to his late-night visitor.

“Please, Gavin.” 

It’s the first time Connor has ever used his first name, still, it rolls off his tongue like it’s the most natural word in his vocabulary.

And it seems to do the magic since the crack widens and he’s being gestured to go inside.

The apartment is messy and unorganised, painting a perfect picture of the man who occupies it. It has more personality than Connor does, he thinks, but that isn’t all that of a difficult feat.

He watches Gavin jump on the sofa, being immediately followed by his fluffy roommate, who nestles in his lap. It’s a sightly picture, one that he sneakily stores in his files for the void times to come.

“Why are you here, Con.” Something inside him shifts at the uncharacteristically affectionate nickname, so much so he momentarily forgets his original intentions.

“Can I… “ He can’t summon the strength to voice the rest of the question so his hands try to mimic asking whether he can sit down next to him.

The silent nod he receives makes him hesitate because with it he notices how pretty Gavin’s face is when he blushes.

Eventually though, Connor finds himself looking for the least awkward position while being so close to the tense man.

Gavin is pretending that this situation doesn’t phase him at all, which is only causing to make him appear even more adorable in Connor’s eyes.

And that’s what makes his next sentence all that harder to say.

“I don’t think I want to live anymore.” Hearing it so loud and so raw and outside the borders of his mind reveals the weight of the statement to him. It makes him sound like a very cruel person, considering he’s well aware of Gavin’s feelings towards him, but Connor never claimed to be anything more.

“Did something happened or are you just generally fed up with everything?”

He almost wishes that he went through some tragedy, just so he can have a straightforward explanation for this sentiment.

“It’s just… I can’t stand being stuck with myself.” 

It’s like he’s in a prison where death is the only escape route.

“Yeah, me too.”

“But… I think I don’t want to die either. It’s… complicated.” He wonders if Gavin is suffering from the same affliction, if he too spends hours fantasying about his own demise. Somehow it’s scary imagining that he might.

“That’s how life usually is, Con. Welcome to being a human.”

Gavin scoots a little closer to him, so much so their thighs are touching and Connor can smell the lemony scent of the shampoo still lingering on the detectives’ bed-hair. It’s more than just data to him, nothing is that easily defined anymore, not since he has deviated.

“It’s better when I’m near you though, like I can stop existing solely inside of me. It doesn’t make much sense, I know but… that’s why I came here. So it doesn’t hurt as much.”

The man puts his head on Connor’s shoulder, breathing in as to cool his overheating insides. It’s nice to have someone feel similar enough to him, it makes him gain a sense of belonging he’s been lacking almost his entire life.

“I… I can’t fix you, Connor.”

“I know and I’m not asking you to. Just…”

Connor places his own head on Gavin’s and gently clutches his trembling hand.

“...stay with me. Show me what happiness can look like.”

Gavin is so warm and his presence so soothing that he can make himself believe that they could maybe find it one day, the beauty in being alive.

“Okay, okay. But once I do you’ll never get rid of me, tin can. I’m too selfish to let you slip away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and they lived happily ever after ahahah :D   
> sorry I breathe angst 
> 
> this is the sort of stuff I'm the most comfortable writing maybe idk xD
> 
> may you find your Gavin to your problems xDD
> 
> thank you for spending your time here ♥♥  
> have a nice Monday, eat lasagna or something :D


	27. boys will be boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor finds an unlikely ally in one of the people he should hate the most.

Connor doesn’t want to go home today, not when he’s sporting yet another black eye on his pallid face. His dad is going to play cops with him by interrogating him until he has no choice but to spill the truth and admit that he’s nothing but a weak coward who can’t fight for himself. Perhaps it’s because the old man has a lot of experience in that field, being an actual lieutenant and all that. Connor tries to sometimes use that fact as a trump card when he wants to look cool and feel like he’s accepted among his peers, not that it’s ever worked. You see, being a twelve-year-old boy is not an easy job. It’s quite demanding to make sure he doesn’t get fired. He gave up on wearing all the right clothes or pretending that he likes sports when in reality all he ever wants to do is to draw. He’d like to repaint the world around him to his liking so that he could feel like it’s a place he belongs to. Like it’s been made just for him and the people he likes.

The sad truth is he doesn’t really have any friends, only people who don’t hurt him, who don’t participate in the frequent bullying he’s been enduring ever since starting the sixth grade. The rascals that take it out on him is a twisted bunch, nothing that significant about them, but there’ this one boy who despite being mean to him, despite inflicting as much pain as the others, gives him a look that could maybe convey a hidden understanding or sympathy, if he stretches his wishful thinking. Because it’s nothing else but that, in the end. The need to have someone on his side, a person who would acknowledge that he’s not being treated fairly. Just one friend to confide in, other than his father who is too busy as is to concern himself with Connor’s childish problems.

Today he was surrounded by three kids who really hated the fact that his drawings look way better than any of theirs. So they made their best effort to seize them and torn them apart like they deserved nothing but condemnation. He couldn’t bear to watch the only thing that meant something to him getting destroyed right before his eyes and so he stupidly tried to defend them, scraping at the little courage at the bottom of his gut. In the end, only one drawing was sparred the ruthless treatment, which couldn’t be said about Connor. He tried to be brave for once, which had to be dutifully punished. Maybe trying isn’t enough, for cowards have a way of staying safely within the boundaries of their fears. Maybe he should change who he is if he wants to survive in this world.

He’s about to turn the last corner before reaching the street on which he lives, but someone shouts his name and he doesn’t feel threatened by it. It’s like someone is glad to catch him here, like the caller’s intentions aren’t the ones that will hurt him.

It’s Gavin, the small feral child with stormy eyes that display that kind of pain Connor recognizes. He watches the boy wave him over, and he thinks he imagines it but there is a grin on Gavin’s face, and that’s the main thing that makes him decide not to run home and hide under a blanket.

His steps are slow, careful, because a part of him warns that this is a ruse, that he’s stupid for falling for it so willingly.

But when he’s so close that he can mark the scar on Gavin’s nose, even the most skeptical part of himself is convinced that he’s not being a victim of a vicious prank, not this time.

“Hey. You lost this.” There is a piece of paper in the boy’s extended hand, one that is full of small scribbles of dogs and the characters he’s invented when the people belonging to the real world let him down.

He really wants to thank him for being so considerate, for not treating him like a punching bag for once, but the words get stuck in his throat, the lump that has formed there preventing them to escape the confines of his mind. There are tears in his eyes ready to embarrass him, and so he pushes them down, needing to keep some of his dignity intact. And the picture is still in Gavin’s hand.

“It’s cool… but a bit weird.” The boy brings the doodle filled paper in front of his face, squinting his eyes to study it with a great concentration.

“Why did you draw me like that when I’ve been treating you like shit?”

Before he gets the chance to argue, Gavin points out one figure that he remembers absent-mindedly scribbling during maths when he couldn’t be bothered to pay attention. Looking at it now, the angry boy in the picture really does resembles his favourite bully. It’s a mystery of how he hasn’t noticed that earlier. But then again, he quite enjoys observing Gavin when no one else can note is actions, so it’s not all that shocking that his image would be imprinted onto Connor’s subconsciousness.

He shrugs instead of replying properly, for he’s still a bit afraid to let anyone hear he uncertainty his voice would betray. The slightly crumpled paper is still being observed by Gavin, like he’s trying to find some secret code in the incoherent doodles. It makes him feel a little proud of himself, for the first time in a long while.

“You can keep it if you want.”

It’s said before he can activate his filter, and he finds that he doesn’t regret that sentence. Connor really wants for Gavin to have it, for a reason he can’t nail down.

“Thanks, I guess.”

All at once, he forgets about the scars on his face, about the tension in his stomach. Because Gavin looks like he’s genuinely happy about receiving this not all that outstanding collection of small drawings, despite his efforts to conceal it behind his faked indifference.

“What- what about the others, do they know you’re here?”

Connor doesn’t fear for Gavin’s safety, no, he’s just curious.

“Don’t care. I’m not friends with them anymore.” He watches the paper being tucked in Gavin’s jeans pocket.

“Why?”

“They suck. It was fun hanging out with them, but… they crossed the line. They… they plan on doing some really messed up shit to you, Connor.”

Somehow he isn’t all that disconcerted by that information. It’s just a natural development of events, or that’s what he figures.

“Oh… that’s..”

“We won’t let them, though.”

The fierce green eyes pierce him through, making his heart beat a little faster.

“We?” It’s very strange that Gavin acts like the two of them doing anything together is all but ordinary.

“I have some neat ideas we can use. You afraid of spiders?”

Agreeing to Gavin’s nefarious schemes is one of the easiest decision he’s ever made. Connor never thought he would possess such creativity, but somehow he senses that there is so much more for him to discover about the boy who might just care enough to make a difference in his bleak life.

Maybe it’s just his desperate need for attention or the loneliness that keeps him spacing out during lunch breaks, but he thinks, he wishes that the two of them could become real friends sometimes in the future yet unwritten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd really like to see the story develop further, maybe make it into one of those coming of age thingies, but that would require effort, so... xD
> 
> but just believe that they retain some sort of friendship for the rest of their lives 
> 
> thanks for (still) being here ♥♥
> 
> have a nice everything


	28. In the light of day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin can't stand Connor worrying about him, and when he's in a tough spot he has no choice but to die alone. Or does he...

It’s been snowing a great deal lately, the weather has prepared a very cruel gift in the form of endless northern winds and icy pavements that have the potential of ruining someone’s day. And the someone has to be none other than Gavin, because the universe recognises that he deserves it the most. The days in December are shorter than his attention span, and the darkness that surrounds him when he’s returning from work is subconsciously making him quicken his pace. There is plenty on his mind, things that he wishes he never did and the little miracles he wishes went of forever, and perhaps that’s why his feet don’t get the most attention and when he steps on a particularly slippy block of ice that once was a muddy puddle, nothing stops him from falling straight on his backside. It hurts like bitch, so much so his eyes water and he’s overwhelmed by dizziness. But it also might be that cold that he’s already waiting to shake by doing absolutely nothing in order for that to happen. He lugs his heavy body up and is immediately greeted by a coughing fit suggesting that he should really not be outside in this condition, especially so when the low temperature is unforgiving enough to freeze rivers.

“Phck.” He tries to curse his affliction away, but like every time he does so, it only manages to piss him off even more.

Gavin is already angry as is, even more so than he’s by default. It’s all his fault, he begrudgingly admits, because doing otherwise would imply that him shouting at Connor is someone else’s responsibility. He was doing okay for such a long time, tried his absolute best to make the android like him, and not only because he wanted to get rid of the guilt that has been gnawing on his mind since the end of the revolution, but because he let himself catch feelings for the ridiculously beautiful robot. It worked, at first, they were getting along pretty well, despite Gavin being his ever-so-charming self. It was probably thanks to his heartfelt apology, at which he still physically cringes each time its memory crosses his mind. But then something snapped inside of him - maybe it was the jealousy that acted up when he saw Connor becoming friends with other, more attractive people, or he just tried to self-sabotage himself, since he had been dangerously close to kissing that stupid android. Because he’s well aware that he has zero rights to go anywhere near there, even thinking about it triggers an alarm that signals his unworthiness.

But it’s oh so cold here and all he wants is a warm hug from the person he likes the most. His nose is leaking and his throat his being cut with a thousand knives, and he doesn’t know how he’s going to get home when his every move is soaked in pain. He should probably lie down right here and wait for the end to come. He’ll either get better or the blessed oblivion takes him, both options are equally desirable to him. But he has to do one important thing first.

He fumbles for his phone and forces his freezing hand to type in the security code so he can open the texting app. His fingers are numb and his vision blurry, but he succeeds in writing the three overused words that have been floating around his mind since this afternoon when he returned Connor’s worry with a harsh dismissal. If he could take it back, he’d never allow himself to yell at the only person who cares.

“I’m sorry.”

Like that will repair their relationship which he so selfishly damaged.

He’s pretty sure he sends it, but then again it’s hard to see anything when there are tears flooding his vision. He slides down against the wall of some empty building that stands half a mile from his apartment building, ready to accept his fate. His eyelids must be made out of lead for he can’t keep them up, and with every passing minute, his breathing gets slower, since his lungs are on fire and he’d be happier not having to inhale oxygen at all. This could be it, his final night. He’s thought that he wouldn’t struggle against his departure when it finally came, but as he’s now, dying alone in some abandoned back alley, he wishes nothing more than to see the light of day once more.

If only his car didn’t break down, if only Connor liked him enough to brush off his unfair behaviour. He thinks he hears his phone vibrate, but he’s too weak to even open his eyes. This is it then, his final stop.

He must have fallen asleep at some point, because there is a familiar voice calling his name, and he can feel those soft hands on his face. It’s fitting that his last dream would be about Connor, his biggest regret would mock him till the bitter end after all.

“Gavin, please open your eyes.” He can sense the urgency in the android’s voice, the worry that has been there earlier today, and he automatically looks up at the sight he’s longed to see since leaving the office, still believing that it’s just an illusion.

“Con…” He wonders how he’s able to speak when he barely has the strength to focus his vision.

“You stupid motherfucker.”

Yeah, he deserves that.

When he gets lifted up, his head hanging down from the android’s shoulder, he contemplates on this being real and not his farewell fantasy. It gets confirmed through the sharp pain that assaults him when he gets thrown to a backseat of some car.

“I’m so fucking mad at you,” Connor mumbles as the car drives them god knows where. He’s sitting next to him, possibly his thighs being the cushion on which Gavin’s sore head rests. A soothing cold hand is threading through his damp hair and he’s sure they’re on their way to heaven because there is no way this moment belongs into his fucked up reality. The other hand lands on his forehead, acting as the ice-pack he craves so much since despite how cold his body is, he’s three seconds short of self-combustion.

“103.1 degrees. Maybe I should call an ambulance.”

“No!” Gavin manages to croak out because he really can’t afford a hospital stay with his lack of savings and shitty health-insurance.

“Okay.” Connor’s voice is the thing that keeps him from passing out. Because as long as hears it, his ache is limited to his physical body. And that’s much easier to bear.

“You have to stop pushing me away whenever I show a hint of worry, if you want to live that is.” He can discern the threat that comes with the demand, and he’s tempted to smirk in Connor’s face, though he doesn’t, and not only because he doesn’t have the strength to do it.

He wants to thank Connor, needs him to keep talking to him, but he has already depleted his words for the day, and so he’s left to the mercy of chance. If he’s lucky, his gratitude is being transmitted through the relief he’s drowning in, and with each second Connor speaks at him, he’s being more and more convinced that maybe the android likes him back.

“I’m taking you to my place, but we have to stop for some medical supplies first.” 

The silent hum of the car is lulling him to sleep, and Connor’s proximity is not helping much. He feels safe, cared for even. And he doesn’t want to wake up and find out that it was just a part of his wishful thinking, that he hallucinated this whole thing.

Fortunately, the car comes to a sudden stop and that enhances his alertness by a smidge.

“I’ll be right back.”

He’s about to beg him not to go when he’s reminded that he lost the gift of speech, and so he exhales sharply and lets Connor leave his space.

As soon as he’s alone again, he can’t fight his exhaustion anymore and lets the darkness envelop him whole. 

He feels himself tug at his lifeline, watching the world as it distorts before his eyes in the most painful way possible, never sure whether the waking world would be the lesser evil.

When he finally does open his eyes again, he finds himself tucked under a heavy comforter, head rested on an actual fluffy pillow this time.

But the only person he’d like to see right now is nowhere to be found, and as he realises that, his lungs decide to act out and he’s yet again nothing but a coughing machine. 

It must be the middle of the night since it’s still pitch black outside the window, and he doesn’t notice the approaching silhouette until it’s standing right beside him. 

“Drink this.” He notices the yellow light coming from Connor’s temple, which is almost the same colour as the liquid he’s being offered. It doesn’t look appetising whatsoever, not even if he could trust his stomach. But he obeys and does is best to swallow as much of it as his insides can handle.

When he’s done with it, he hands the half-full mug back to the android and panics when he sets to leave from his bed-side.

“Don’t go.” The nap must have restored some of his energy, for he’s able to grip Connor’s arm. Gavin is burning on the inside while being trapped in a snowstorm, and he’s afraid to be swept away by the pain if there’s no one to around to save him.

“I won’t.”

He doesn’t know if Connor keeps his promise since he drifts off before he has a chance to struggle against the pull of sleep.

The next thing that brings him back from his slideshow of nightmares is fingers tickling one of his cheeks. The breath that he takes as he regains his consciousness already tells him that he’s on his way to recovery.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Gavin finds out that there is something more he wishes to see than the light of day, although it’s great to know that he successfully survived the night.

It’s the soft smile on Connor’s face, the two bottomless eyes, and the LED ring shining bright blue.

And maybe now, when it’s so bright and his demons are taking a break, Gavin can allow himself to be utterly, completely honest about his feelings.

Because when they managed to get through the unforgiving darkness of night, there’s no reason why the blissful daylight should break what they were able to build together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could go on and on with this story, but this is a disaster enough as it is, no need to make it even longer xD
> 
> I wish it fit the theme more, but I let myself get carried away so :D
> 
> also I hate the writing in this one, but the "plot" is one of my favourites, so... can't have both I guess xD
> 
> thanks for reading this ♥♥
> 
> have a fabulous Tuesday (and the rest of the days too :D)


	29. confessions of a sinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when Connor decides to save a deviant android who might just be the person who could make his life complete? Read and find out xD  
> aka the sequel to "sticks and stones", my only reverse AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> technically, it should be called "confession of sinners" but words what are those

Gavin was awfully close to dying, accepted his fate even, but then some stupid human had to go and ruin everything by giving him hope. A hope that he could be something more than a faulty machine one day. He was promised protection, a chance for a better tomorrow, if he’ll allow himself to believe in such a thing. And Connor has delivered, taking him in like an abandoned puppy and making sure no one looks for him. He has lost his job, lost his only reason for being, but there is something new he gained too, something even more valuable. Trust.

It’s been a month since the incident in the basement, and that’s a long time to get to know someone well, especially when you live with them. He planned on moving out, finding his own place to hide in, but after about two weeks of cohabitation, he found out that being near Connor isn’t just a necessary part of his daily life, it’s something he genuinely enjoys. He loves listening to his stories from work, likes talking with him about everything and anything. His brother is rarely ever mentioned, and maybe that’s for a good. Gavin doesn’t need to be reminded of how he ended up here, no matter how much he’s grateful for it.

Most of all he appreciates feeling like someone cares about him. Connor is kind enough to buy him new clothes that fit, lends his all of his books that he might enjoy reading, brings him fresh thirium packs even though he doesn’t really need them to function properly. It’s just nice. Connor is nice.

Sometimes, when it’s dark outside and all the words have been said between them, they watch a movie, the only sound is coming from the TV and the soft hum of his own insides. Connor has joked that he’s like a purring cat, to which he admitted that he’s never seen one in real life. He has the data of how one should look like and there is an infinite amount of videos on the net, but still, he thinks that he wants to experience it on his own, holding something soft and alive in his hands, a creature that would rely on him as he relies on Connor.

The night he divulged this secret to his human was the first time they felt comfortable enough to erase the distance between them, him laying his head on Connor’s shoulder while curling up to his side, and the human doing the same in return. It was the most pleasant experience of his entire life, a moment in which he could forget that he’s just a machine with a couple of crossed wires enabling it to fool itself into being able to feel emotions. He wishes to be a real person just so he can think about liking Connor a little bit more than is appropriate between friends.

Gavin has been called that – a friend, on several occasions and still the word feels foreign in connection with him. But Connor has willingly given him this title, and who is he to refuse it. 

He wants to thank him in some way that goes beyond words, his great idea being trying to cook him dinner, a feat which he hasn’t been programmed to accomplish, but it’s the same with humans, so he tries to teach himself some basics in the time he has before Connor comes home.

The result isn’t an utter disaster and that’s quite enough for him. Connor is not going to get poisoned or disgusted (hopefully), so he has no reason to throw the pasta-carrot concoction away.

He seems to himself like a housewife, albeit an awful one, and he doesn’t mind it at all, he realises.

-

“Something smells weird.”

That’s probably the burnt garlic he’s forgotten to clean. He’d fail as a domestic android, but that’s luckily not what his role his. Connor has forbidden him to act like a servant, which he kinda disobeyed today by making him a meal, but it was Gavin’s selfish decision after all, so it shouldn’t count.

“You.. you made this for me?”

“Sure did.” When he gets no response, he lets slip a small “please don’t be mad.”

“No.. I.. thank you, Gavin.” Connor invades his personal space and takes his slightly trembling hands into Gavin’s. His eyes are saying that he wishes to do so much more than that, and before Gavin has the chance to decide whether he should leT him, he’s being tugged to the sofa. His thirium pump either completely stops or is working at the speed of light, he doesn’t care. All he can think about is how much he wants to kiss that beautiful human. His human.

“We need to talk.” A perfect sentence to snap him out of his misguided bout of desire. How fucking embarrassing.

“Actually, I do. Please hear me before you do something you might regret.” Connor’s voice is woven with an unnatural sombreness and that scares him beyond logic. 

He just motions him to continue, too nervous about what’s coming to do anything more.

“My brother and I, we did so many horrible things to your kind in the past, so much so it can be never forgiven. I.. I might have mostly just watched and there were times when I even tried to stop him, but that doesn’t make me any less guilty. I should have done more, should have prevented all the damage that Niles has inflicted. But I didn’t and now there’s blood on my hands that I’ll never be able to wash away.”

Gavin is entranced by his speech, not revolted or scared, just sympathetic. Toward those hurt androids or toward Connor who didn’t know better, he can’t really tell.

“I.. I needed you to know this, so you can properly make up your mind whether you-“

He interrupts him with a small kiss on his quivering lips. Connor might not be perfect, might not even be a good person, but that’s perhaps the reason why he likes him so much

.“Don’t worry about it, I’m not gonna hold it against you, Connor. You’re the one who saved me from being destroyed, and that’s enough for me.”

Connor is very close to crying, so he pulls him into a tight hug so he doesn’t have to see those tears. He wanted them to have a pleasant evening together, after all.

“I stole lieutenant Anderson’s wallet once,” Gavin deadpans.

“What? That was you?” The incredulous look he receives makes him smile, shamelessly so.

“Yep. Gave it to some random homeless guy.”

Connor laughs and Gavin does so too. He can finally say that he’s happy, and the source of this emotion and all the others is suddenly not as important to him anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one more story to go, yeaay :D (I despise all responsibilities xD)
> 
> should I admit that I quite like this one? :D  
> (couldn't deny myself the food-discourse reference, sorry not sorry >D)
> 
> hope you enjoyed, thank you for reading either way ♥♥♥
> 
> have a nice pasta


	30. bet you'll love me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two idiots accidentally develop feelings for each other without really wanting to or knowing what to do with them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my favourite thing is inflicting my own experience onto these two poor, fictional souls xD (it didn't have a happy ending in my case though ofc)

Everything is new to Connor. He is still finding pieces of himself in various places, trying to build himself up as he’s learning more about the world around him. A world that isn’t bordered by a code or defined by his mission. It has been an intimidating notion to be considered a human, he’s felt overwhelmed and lost, at times, but as months passed, the initial awkwardness of being new among other real people has washed out, leaving only the wonderfully mundane stuff behind, like doing chores and finding out that he maybe has a crush on one of his coworkers.

The people who used to fear him and project their hatred by proxy are now more or less becoming his friends or at least casual acquaintances. This of course includes detective Reed, the one person who might have probably been scared of him the most. They are more or less ignoring each other nowadays, but sometimes Connor catches the man stealing glances at him, which is not exclusive only to Reed. Because Connor watches too, whenever he has the opportunity to. Maybe he subconsciously tries to impart his inner-most feelings to him, tries to create something between them that isn’t there. It’s very unproductive and he cannot find a rational explanation for this, but he has been told that’s more than normal when one is not a flawless machine. So he accepts it as it is without trying to solve the mystery it carries around with it, just enjoying the fact that he’s able to experience such a natural thing. The pain that comes with it is just a necessary evil.

But the longer he allows those emotions to course freely through him, the more his overall mood worsens. He doesn’t know what the most correct course of action in this particular scenario would be, and he most certainly won’t find out by dwelling on it inside his overwhelmed mind. There is of course the internet at his infinite disposal, but he tries not to rely on it so much. It feels like cheating, like he’s robbing himself of organic development. So he opts to ask one of his friends, despite the embarrassment he’ll suffer from due to divulging a personal sentiment such as this. The person he chooses ends up being none other than Gavin’s own buddy Tina, and not only because her insight has the best chance of proving to be the most helpful. Connor simply likes talking to the sharp-tongued young woman. She doesn’t keep sweet with him, doesn’t act like he’s any better than the rest of them. He gets grounded by her blunt words, and that’s just what he needs right now.

“No fucking way. Talk about coincidences.”

Connor partly hopes that this means just what he suspects it would. The other part of him, the one that is readying him to bolt is convinced that it’s a completely unrelated statement.

Tina’s interest has perked up when he confessed that he maybe, possibly likes detective Reed for some weird reason. Honestly, it is more like an itch he can’t scratch, mildly infuriating and begging to be dealt with.

“Do you think I should talk to him about it?” He can’t imagine how that conversation would possibly go, and he isn’t sure he’d really like to find out.

“Absolutely not. It would be a terrible idea, trust me on this.”

Her voice drips sincerity and he loses all grounds not to do what she says. His heart sinks to his stomach, though, despite the small surge of relief that came over him right after he’d got his answer.

He is stupid for believing this would lead anywhere good. Utterly foolish for thinking that there is someone for whom he meant something, something other than just becoming friends with the most advanced android in existence.

So he goes on with his days, pretending like this doesn’t faze him. Days turn into weeks, and he still can’t get rid of that weight inside of his chest. Whenever he finds himself in detective Reed’s proximity, the man’s stress levels rise and his pulse elevates. Either he’s afraid of Connor, or… but there is no “or”, there can’t be, no matter how much he wishes for the detective to like him back, it’s never going to happen.

It’s Friday, an unusually slow one, for which he’s thankful. Connor is in low spirits, wishing the minutes remaining until he can go home can somehow go by faster. Three hundred thirty-nine and counting. He looks at detective Reed for the fifth time this morning and when nothing out of the ordinary happens as a result, he decides to go make a coffee for Hank, since his attention is slipping and he caught him closing his eyes for longer than it would be deemed safe was he driving. He isn’t, luckily so, but his list of transgression is lengthy enough as it is.

He stands in front of the coffee machine, hypnotised by the steady flow of liquid that is filling the plastic cup, not paying attention to his surroundings. 

That’s why he doesn’t notice the figure joining him in the break room, why he’s oblivious that someone is creeping behind him like a silent assassin.

“Connor.” His name gets called in that terrifyingly familiar voice, which is a first. A wonderful first.

He turns around, attempting to present himself as casually as he’s able to, to hide his traitorous nervousness.

“I like you.” 

Reed says it like he’s talking about the downpour behind the windows, like it doesn’t concern him at all. And before Connor can react in any way, he’s gone, leaving the android in an utter state of shock. He can’t be sure it really happened, that it wasn’t just his overactive imagination preconstrucitng indulgent scenarios on its own.

Still, he forgets about the coffee and runs back to the office, not being surprised when he finds Reed’s desk empty. Connor catches him outside just as he’s about to unlock his car. The few moments they spend in the rain are enough to soak them, making them look like they went for a swim without taking off their clothes.

The detective gives him a look that betrays vulnerability and verifies the truth of his statement.

And Connor can’t help himself anymore.

“I like you, too,” he shouts through the onslaught of raindrops, to make sure the other man hears him properly. A boulder has been lifted from where his heart lies, and he feels like crying. But it wouldn’t be fair for him to do that, so he just lets the sky do it instead.

“Okay, great. What now.” Not the response he expected, but at least Reed doesn’t flee, which is a success on its own.

Even if Connor knew the answer to that, it’s not like he could afford to do anything at this moment. He’s still on the clock, after all.

“You should go now. But call me sometimes after six, if you want. I know you have my number.” To that, the detective nods and hurriedly enters his car. Connor watches as it speeds away and gets swallowed by the drenched city.

-

“It was a bet.”

“Sorry, what?”

“Tina bet me to say those words to you before you would.” Gavin exhales and wishes that his corrupted soul escaped together with the released breath.

“Oh. You won, then.” And Connor sounds so hurt he wants to scream. At himself mostly, for being such a terrible person and causing the broken sound being spilled from Connor’s lips.

He’s glad he can’t see the android right now, that at least he’s spared the opportunity to touch him. But he wants to do just that, more than anything else in the world.

“No, I didn’t. I… don’t want that money, not anymore.” He squeezes his eyes shut and imagines that he’s someone who has the right to say what he’s about to because there is nothing that would stop him from doing so. 

“I meant it, Connor. I do like you, maybe even more than that.”

It wouldn’t take much to fall in love with him if, he’s painfully aware of that.

“Is this just a part of that challenge?”

“No, of course not. I realise I have no right to ask you to trust me, not after all this shit, so I won’t. Just know that I’m really, truly sorry. For everything. And I know you deserve-“

“Shut up. I meant it too, you know. I still do, even though I'm fucking mad at you right now. And at Tina.”

“Didn’t know you were allowed to swear. It’s kinda hot coming from you.”

“Don’t push it.”

Yeah, he figures. It’s just that he has a nonexistent impulse control.

“Will.. will you ever forgive me?” He gives up on concealing his anxiety, the self-loathing caused by his recklessness. His voice has its own say and there is not much he can do about it.

“We’ll see. Depends on how you’ll behave from now on.”

His absolute best. Gavin can’t do anything but bet Connor’s affection on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so we're at the end!  
> thank you everyone for reading my entries! ♥♥♥ (can't wait to check out what other people came up with, didn't want to do it during for fear of being influenced xD)
> 
> see you in a new chapter of "not a thing" soon (I hope :D)


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